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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24584095">Gonna Ride That Train 'Til End Of The Line</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_sun_is_a_deadly_laser/pseuds/the_sun_is_a_deadly_laser'>the_sun_is_a_deadly_laser</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Watcher Entertainment RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcohol, Angst, Angst and Feels, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Oblivious Ryan Bergara, Pining Shane Madej, Scared Ryan Bergara, Sexuality Crisis, Slow Burn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 05:40:13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>22,757</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24584095</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_sun_is_a_deadly_laser/pseuds/the_sun_is_a_deadly_laser</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Even before Ryan asked him to join, there had always been a little something there. But now that Shane saw Ryan more than he's seen anyone else in the past, like, four years, it was getting harder and harder to focus. </p><p>What was nice, though, was that he could make Ryan laugh and make Ryan feel safe. And if that's all he could ever do for Ryan, he would take it. Because there's no way in hell Ryan would keep him around if he knew. </p><p>But his job was fun. He got paid. He lived a pretty good life. He could only really complain about one thing, and he, after all these years, still didn't think he deserved to.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Laura Zardari/Jaz Young, Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>86</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>155</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. His First Mistake</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>July 9th, 2020: I added some things to the end. Hope you like them!</p>
    </blockquote><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Starts with their investigation at the Old City Jail.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hello i come from the IT fandom and have decided to channel some Reddie slow burn energy into Shyan</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Shane looked at the camera. "An hour or two ago-" </p><p>He paused. He thought he heard screaming. It sounded like Ryan. He turned on the bench and saw a flashlight through the window, waving around and heard Ryan's muffled yelling. He laughed, looking up at where he knew Ryan was, confused but finding it extremely funny. </p><p>"THIS FUCKING SUCKS," Ryan screamed. "I HATE IT. I FUCKING HATE THIS." </p><p>Shane turned back around, laughing into his hand as he heard Ryan continue to scream, </p><p>"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! FUCK YOU! <em>FUCK </em>YOU!" </p><p>Over and over again. About three minutes later, with Ryan's random loud noises as he ran into rooms still to be vaguely heard, Shane pulled himself together enough to say to the camera in a calm voice, "That is quite a reaction. I think we're..." he tried to think of the best way to put it and decided on, "making some headway." </p><p>"YOU THINK <em>YOU'RE </em>CRAZY?!" they heard Ryan scream. Devon was doubled over, laughing so hard she couldn't breathe. "YOU HAVEN'T <em>SEEN </em>CRAZY YET!"</p><p>"Jesus fucking Christ," Shane cackled. </p><p>"ON THE THIRD FLOOR. MARCHING DOWN THE HALLWAY." </p><p>Shane covered his face with his hand, heaving in silent laughter. </p><p>"WHERE ARE YA?!" He was just close enough to be heard clearly. </p><p>"I'm so proud of him," he managed out through his laughter. </p><p>"I'LL GIVE IT TO YA: THIS IS THE SCARIEST BUILDING I'VE EVER BEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE." At this point, Shane hitting the handle of the bench weakly with his hand, not being able to breathe. "I THINK I'M CRACKED!" </p><p>"Holy shit," TJ gasped out. "This broke him!"   </p><p>"MY BRAIN IS CRACKED," Ryan continued. They all had to be quiet so they could make out what Ryan was saying. But what he did after, he wasn't even saying anything: he was laughing. Laughing like a mad scientist on crack cocaine. </p><p>"Keep in mind," Shane said, "an hour ago, he was drumming his belly button." This sent Devon and Mark into another wave of hysterics. "I don't think he's gonna be the same after tonight." </p><p>"WHERE ARE YOU?! WHERE ARE YOU?!" A pause. "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!" </p><p>Shane clapped his hands senselessly as he laughed harder. </p><p>"WHO DID THAT?!" Shane could hear the panic in his voice, even if he could hardly hear his voice at all. "WHO DID THAT AGAIN?!" </p><p>And then it was quiet. Shane was a little worried. What if something happened to Ryan? Ghosts weren't real. Demons weren't real. But if something happened to Ryan in there, they had all just been laughing at him and wouldn't've noticed if he had gotten into trouble. He pushed down his doubt and fear like he pushed down everything else and said to the camera and TJ, </p><p>"The human mind, if it's lookin' for something, it'll- it'll find something. And, uh, he's going to find something. And it will destroy him." He looked back at the jail, and, with the nonchalantness that he had perfected after many years, said, "It's gone quiet and I'm afraid he's dead." </p><p>"Don't say that," TJ said, "he's probably just possessed." </p><p>Shane perked up. "Ooh!" </p><p>"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" </p><p>They turned and looked at the jail once again, this time seeing a flashlight move spastically through the halls. Shane shrugged. </p><p>"Guess he's alive." </p><p>"Time," said Mark shakily, glancing at his watch. Shane stood up and helped TJ and Devon with the camera things as Mark texted Ryan that he could leave. </p><p>"You think he'll ever be the same?" Devon asked. Shane shook his head. </p><p>"Oh, no. He'll be gone after this. Every location, it'll be like this." </p><p>"I doubt he even got anything," Mark added. "He was screaming too much." </p><p>Quickly, they stood around the door where Ryan was supposed to come out. With the dramatics of a white guy that had taken an improve class once, Shane opened the door. He was hoping it went the other way so Ryan would have to move out of the way (because he was a petty little shit). The door was pushed more open from the other side and Shane saw Ryan. </p><p>He didn't look like himself. He looked winded and a little bit crazy. He stepped through the door and said, "Fuck that. Forever." </p><p>A few more seconds of silence and Shane realized he was staring and, because of his chosen coping mechanism for dealing with a crush, made a bad joke. "Sounded like you went through some stuff in there." </p><p>Ryan looked at him with those wide eyes, his new, crazy look still present. Then he looked down and said that they were leaving. Shane hit the door with the flat of his palm a few times. </p><p>"Okay." </p><p>He closed the door as Mark shut off the cameras. </p><p>"Get this off of me," Ryan laughed as he struggled with his body cam. "That was fucking horrifying." Before Shane could even get in a word, Ryan's finger was in his face. "You are a fucking psychopath," he announced. </p><p>"Why?" he laughed. </p><p>"You were enjoying it." </p><p>Shane threw his hands out. "Yeah! It's full of history and torture. It's interesting." </p><p>"It's haunted!" Ryan protested. </p><p>"Hey," TJ grinned, "it'll remain unsolved if it's haunted or not." </p><p>"Fuck you," Ryan laughed as he stepped out of the camera harness and took the GoPro off his head. "Fuck you, TJ." </p><p>"Jesus, Ryan," Devon giggled, "what the hell happened to you in there?" </p><p>He stared at her. "I think I snapped." </p><p>Shane clapped a hand on his shoulder. He was tense. "You cracked a long time ago. When you started overthinking when your toothpaste fell off the side of a sink, to be exact."</p><p>Ryan shrugged him off. "You've seen the video, you all have." </p><p>He looked around at all of them and they shrugged. </p><p>"Anyway," Mark jumped in, changing the subject, "we heard you yelling." </p><p>"Was it to scare off the ghosts?" TJ teased. </p><p>"Yes," Ryan defended himself. He was so passionate. Shane smiled at him fondly. He turned to Shane and Shane quickly grinned at him like he just hadn't been drooling over him like an idiot. "I think I had a heart attack in there, man," he declared. Shane snorted. </p><p>"Oh yeah?" </p><p>"Yeah. It started hurting around here." </p><p>He started rubbing his nipple and Jesus Christ, Shane was lucky that he found that so funny, because in different circumstances, if he saw Ryan doing that, his cover would probably be blown.  </p><p>"What the hell?" Devon groaned. "Ryan, the internet already knows too much about your nipple kink." </p><p>"I don't have a nipple kink!" Ryan protested. </p><p>"Oh, yes you do," Shane scoffed. Just to prove his point (only to prove his point, not to watch Ryan react to his touch), he reached around Ryan's shoulder and pinched him quickly. And he is not lying when he says that Ryan jumped a foot in the air and grabbed his left boob. </p><p>"That, like, sent an electric shock through my whole body!" </p><p>Shane raised his eyebrows to himself as he picked up the last bit of equipment and started walking out the door onto the expansive front lawn. "Ryan," he said cooly, "sometimes you just have to accept your kinks. There's no shame in a little nipple play." </p><p>"Shut up, Shane."</p><p>"Make me." </p><p>"You two are such children," Mark laughed. </p><p>"Nuh-uh!" Ryan said in a childish voice. </p><p>"Uh-huh!" Mark shot back. </p><p>The entire way, the forty-five-second walk from the prison to where their car was, Ryan and Mark made noises at each other and it didn't show any signs of stopping, so Shane stepped in and stage whispered, "Choo choo pickle pie!" </p><p>And that got them both to start laughing. It wasn't hard to make Ryan laugh. But there was always something about the way that he did that made Shane stupidly happy. Depending on the situation, Ryan would laugh into his hand, or throw his head back, or look at whoever made him laugh with the brightest, happiest look in his eyes. Tonight, it was a combination of throwing his head back and then looking at Shane like he was the funniest person on the planet. </p><p>A lot of Shane's time with Ryan was a little bittersweet, but that was okay. They were best friends. </p><p>"I'm fucking hungry," Ryan announced. "And I could use a drink." </p><p>Shane snorted. "That's obvious." </p><p>"Ryan, it's like-" Devon checked her phone. "Two in the morning." Everyone stared at her. "Hell yeah, let's get some drinks." </p><p>"Wait, you gotta do an outro," Mark sighed, already setting up a tripod. Shane watched Ryan pout adorably as he tucked his mic pack back into his pants. Devon and TJ stepped behind the camera and Devon said, </p><p>"Okay, go." </p><p>Shane looked up at the prison and turned to Ryan. "Did you hear anything?" Ryan glared at him for a split second, knowing full well that Shane was making fun of him yelling. </p><p>"Didn't hear anything, but I felt things." He still sounded a little breathless. </p><p>Shane suppressed a smirk and said, "That's good." </p><p>Ryan, like the manic he was, went into something that he thought he felt. "Once, I was standing the in second floor-" In the second floor. He said <em>in. </em>"-I was standing still-"</p><p>"Yeah," Shane breathed, humoring him. </p><p>"And I felt a gust of wind past the right side of me," he gestured as he talked, "I turned around, and then it went past the left side of me, the opposite direction. I hated it." </p><p>"Well," Shane said, adding some logic to the situation because Ryan was clearly out of it, "I didn't actually hear anything in here, I just really wanted to psych you up for it." Ryan stared at him and Shane wanted to laugh. He looked cute. Well, he always looked cute, but whatever. "You don't look well." </p><p>Ryan smiled widely. "I started growling like a dog." </p><p>Shane really wanted to laugh. "We heard you." </p><p>"Did you?" </p><p>"Yes." </p><p>"Oh, wow-" </p><p>"I think," he turned around and motioned to all the townhouses, "the whole neighborhood heard you." </p><p>"Oh, was it really that loud?" He didn't sound embarrassed, just amused. Shane was so proud of him. He'd come such a long way. </p><p>"Yes, I think we have to leave," he said seriously. </p><p>"Okay," Ryan laughed. </p><p>"Let's just go." They turned and walked out of the shot. Once they were out of it, Shane clapped Ryan on the shoulder. "You did good in there, bud. Proud of you." </p><p>"Thank you," Ryan said smugly.</p><p>Shane left his hand on Ryan's shoulder for a few seconds longer than necessary. He didn't mean to, but he rubbed Ryan's back soothingly before realizing what he was doing and pulling his hand away. Ryan didn't seem to mind, though. TJ, Mark, and Devon walked after them and began talking. Shane sat back in thought. </p><p>Ryan had always, for years, let him get away with tiny touches here and there. He wasn't big on physical contact, but when Shane did it, he didn't seem to mind. It made him feel special, if he was being honest. He knew it was selfish, but he couldn't stop himself from pushing the boundaries, little by little, bit by bit, just to see what he could get away with. </p><p>He hardly ever did it when they were out in public, or in front of a camera or friends, but when they were hanging out at one of their apartments... well, Shane got a little careless with his hands. Nothing big, just letting himself ruffle Ryan's hair more than usual, brushing his hand across his shoulders as he was going to the kitchen or bathroom. When they were watching movies, Shane would sometimes spread his arms out across the back of the couch. Just to lie to himself that he was going to put his arm around Ryan and like... cuddle him.   </p><p>Something cheesy like that. Shane hated it sometimes, especially when it came to Ryan, but he honestly wouldn't mind doing the simplest things with him. Just to be able to look at him like he wanted to would be enough. </p><p>It wasn't that he had closed himself off from the dating pool, but no girl (or guy, he hadn't come out to anyone at Buzzfeed yet) lasted more than a couple of months, tops. The worst part was that they always figured out that he was whipped for someone else. It was embarrassing. </p><p>But it also wasn't that he hadn't tried to get over Ryan. He had. He was always trying. But, for some reason, whenever he tried to stop, he felt guilty. Because he wanted to be with him and the thought of not wanting that made him feel like he was cheating. </p><p>So yeah, Shane's daily life was an emotional rollercoaster. But he wouldn't have it any other way because he wanted Ryan in his life. He couldn't even admit it to himself, but he didn't know what he would do without him. He was a foul-mouthed, ghost-believing, smart, funny, hot, tiny little bastard. </p><p>And Shane was completely gone for him. </p><p>"Shane." </p><p>Shane snapped himself out of his trance. "Hm?" </p><p>"A bar called General Lee," Mark said. </p><p>"Of fucking course," Shane cackled. "We're in Southern country now, baby! Robert E. Lee for the win!" </p><p>Ryan smacked him. "Holy shit, shut up, Shane!" </p><p>He tried to sound angry, but the look on his face gave him away. Shane nodded seriously. </p><p>"Fuck Robert E. Lee," he announced loudly. "We Northerns are better!" </p><p>He was being shoved into a car with Ryan laughing, "Holy shit, holy shit, you fucking idiot!" </p><p>The door slammed behind him and he was in the back with Ryan. Devon ducked into the driver's seat and started the engine before Shane had even gotten himself comfortable. She drove away, laughing. </p><p>"You're so dumb." </p><p>"Hey," he protested. "That's rich coming from the person who was just screaming at air for ten minutes straight." </p><p>Ryan frowned. "I was screaming at the ghosts!" </p><p>"There are no ghosts, Ryan," he laughed. "It's just a creepy building." </p><p>"Aha! So you admit it's creepy!" </p><p>"Ryan," Devon said from the front, "it's an old prison that people were tortured in. It's creepy, no one's going to disagree with that." </p><p>"But," Shane said tightly, "hearing you scream was really funny." </p><p>"You couldn't hear me," Ryan laughed. </p><p>"Yes we did," Devon and Shane said together. </p><p>"You had Shane crying," Devon grinned. </p><p>"You're one to talk," Shane shot back good-naturedly. "You had to step away from the camera because you were making too much noise." </p><p>"Yeah," she agreed. "But Ryan, we could hear everything you were saying." </p><p>"Well, look-" </p><p>Shane looked at him as he argued with Devon with the biggest smile on his face. It made it hard to breathe for him sometimes when the sheer force of how much he liked Ryan hit him. He liked everything about him. He knew he was gone for him but couldn't make himself think the L word, much less say it. </p><p>Devon turned on her blinker, even though they were the only ones on the road besides TJ and Mark, who were following behind them. She turned into a surprisingly packed bar. Shane got out and stretched. He was tired. He followed Ryan and Devon into the bar and sat at the bar. When TJ and Mark joined them, they started a tab. </p><p>Shane was on the end of the line of his friends. Ryan to his left and a man to his right. He snuck a glance as he took a swig of his beer. He was cute. Not really his type. Too tall, hair too long, eyes too blue. </p><p>They drank for a long time, laughing. Ryan, TJ, and Mark went away to play pool. Devon was talking to the bartender. Shane didn't think it was flirting, just talking. </p><p>"Hey, handsome," the man next to him said. Shane looked at him. With a fleeting thought of Ryan, and then the drowning reminder that Ryan would never be his, Shane decided to talk to him. He was only a little bit drunk. </p><p>"Hey," he answered. </p><p>"Come here often?" the man asked. "My name's Noah." </p><p>Shane grinned into his bottle before finishing it off and motioning for another. "I'm Shane. And no, I don't. I live in L.A." </p><p>Noah cocked an eyebrow. "Oh? Actor?" </p><p>"Nah," he smiled. "I work for Buzzfeed." </p><p>Noah nodded. "Interesting. I'm a firefighter." </p><p>Shane eyed his muscles. "Yeah, I can tell." </p><p>He felt bad but he had no idea why. Ryan wasn't his. He didn't want to come to the inevitable conclusion that he was heartbroken without ever getting his heart broken. Noah smirked at him. </p><p>"Can you?" </p><p>Shane reached up and put his hand on Noah's broad, strong shoulder. "Oh, yeah."  </p><p>"Can I buy you a drink?" </p><p>Shane motioned to his beer and Noah shook his head. </p><p>"Something a little stronger." </p><p>He looked down at his beer and wanted to look over at Ryan, but he didn't. He needed to get over him. He'd been here, at this point before, and it never did anything. But he was desperate. He was always careful to not get too drunk around friends because he would come out or say that he's in lo- that he liked Ryan. <em>Liked </em>Ryan. Fuck it, he decided. </p><p>"Yeah. Shots?" </p><p>Noah laughed. "You want to get wasted?" </p><p>Shane shrugged. "Not too bad." </p><p>"You got it." </p><p>Noah ordered and Shane looked at him. <em>Really </em>not his type. But, again, he was desperate and maybe a little drunker than he thought. The shots came quickly. They toasted something, Shane wasn't sure, and he hit it back. It burned his throat for just a moment and he chased it with another shot. </p><p>"Whoa, there, Shane," Noah laughed, putting his hand on Shane's forearm, "slow down." </p><p>Shane winked at him and took another shot. It was hitting fast and hard. Shane felt great.  </p><p>"Another round," he announced. Noah grinned at him and took his other two shots. Three shots later, Shane was completely hammered. So was Noah. Shane almost fell out of his seat but Noah quickly got up and caught him. They leaned against each other, cackling. They couldn't even stand up straight. </p><p>Devon had gone to play pool with the others a little bit ago because TJ was complaining that he needed a partner, so Shane felt unwatched, unjudged, as Noah kissed him messily, all tongue. It was hot and his scruff scratched Shane's face. Noah's hands went to Shane's hips and pulled him flush to his body. Shane groaned and ground up against him. </p><p>He was being pushed back against the bar and Noah started kissing his neck. Almost lost in the sensations, Shane opened his eyes, breathing hard and turned on, and saw TJ, Devon, Mark, and Ryan staring at him from the pool tables with wide eyes, their games forgotten. </p><p>Shane was sure that he had never moved faster as he shoved Noah away and stumbled out of the bar, cold with fear. His head felt weird. It had been so long since he felt real fear, but now his friends knew. <em>Ryan </em>knew. Ryan knew and he would put two and two together and then he could be kicked off of Unsolved. Fuck, he ruined everything. He ruined everything, his life was over-</p><p>He heaved against the brick wall of the bar. There was a hand on his back and he thought there were people around him. He threw up, mostly liquid. It was hot and spicy and burned his throat. </p><p>"-you're okay, big guy-" he heard. Ryan. Ryan's hand on his back. Ryan comforting him. </p><p>He slapped his hand away and tried to run away but only got so far before he fell. </p><p>"Shane!" TJ yelled. "Calm down!" </p><p>"I'm sorry," Shane yelled. "I'm sorry, please don't- please don't hate me!" </p><p>"Why would we hate you?" Devon asked, terrified. "Because you were kissing a guy? Shane, it's okay!" </p><p>Everyone was nodding. Even Ryan. Shane shook his head in disbelief. </p><p>"No, no, you..." </p><p>"Shane, you should get back to the hotel," Mark said cautiously, slowly approaching him like Shane was going to try and bolt. And to his credit, Shane was seriously considering it.  </p><p>"Guys..." Shane was close to tears. </p><p>"Come on, Shane," Ryan said, holding out his hand. "You need some water." </p><p>Shane stared at his hand and, even though he was positive that ghosts and demons didn't exist, he was also positive that any physical contact from Ryan would make him start crying or spontaneously combust, like that one lady they investigated. So he pushed himself up, ignoring Ryan's hand. He started stumbling toward one of the cars they rented. He looked back and they were all following him.</p><p>"Look," he slurred, leaning against TJ's rental, "you guys can stay. I can call an Uber. Or something. Just have fun." </p><p>"No," TJ shook his head. "Maybe it's time to call it a night. Come on, Shane. I'll drive. Get in the back." </p><p>The door was opened for him by someone he didn't register and he fell forward. The car started and Shane closed his eyes. He was shaking. Tears were falling down his face and making the leather of the seats slippery and unpleasant to lay on. Later, he had no idea how much later, the car stopped and he was being pulled out. He knew TJ noticed his tears and was grateful that he didn't say anything. </p><p>His world was spinning in a sickening way and he had to stop to throw up behind a bush before he even made it to the door. The lights of the lobby were too bright. The elevator was too sudden. </p><p>TJ took the room key from Shane's pocket and lead him into the bathroom. Shane got down on his knees and heaved into the toilet, but there was nothing left to throw up. TJ gave him some water and helped him change into his pajama pants. He collapsed into a bed. Whichever one was closest, which he would realize later was Ryan's. It smelled like him from the last two nights he slept in it. </p><p>He cried into Ryan's pillow, sure that the smell of him was just his imagination. The door opened and closed. There was some whispering and then the door opened and closed again. Shane opened his eyes and found Ryan looking at him, his eyes filled with worry. </p><p>"Shane-" </p><p>Shane rolled over and squeezed his eyes shut. Ryan didn't finish his sentence and he was grateful because he wasn't sure that he would have been able to handle whatever was about to be said.  </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>AIGHT. LISTEN UP YOU PRIVILEGED FUCKS. This got a lot darker than I expected it to (just published chapter seven) and it gets pretty intense (camping in tents ahHA). There is a pretty rough middle for Shane and for Ryan too, I guess. This fic ain't about him, so I can only assume. </p><p>But yeah. There are some actual issues in here.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Anything. Anything At All.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Shane is not doing too hot and formally comes out to the filming crew of Buzzfeed Unsolved and one Ryan Bergara.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i'm only 15 why do i know so much about heartbreak i've never even been in a relationship that i've wanted to be in</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em>"Not to say that he's like, my daddy or something like that. </em> <em>I don't know why I said that. Have fun with that one, Internet." </em></p><p>Shane rolled over. </p><p>
  <em>"I'd like to see you put on a dress from that time period." </em>
</p><p>He pressed his face into his (Ryan's) pillow, mostly asleep but waking up to the world. </p><p>
  <em>"My brain kind of exploded at the mention of you having a magical penis." </em>
</p><p>He squeezed his eyes together. </p><p>
  <em>"You are a defense mechanism. You do bring me a level of comfort when I'm in these perilous sleeping situations." </em>
</p><p>He opened his eyes only to close them right after, groaning at the bright light that was shining through a crack in the curtains and right in his eyes. Oh, yeah. Today was his day. He rubbed his eyes and sat up, wincing at the pain he felt. He looked around and the room was empty. On the nightstand between the two beds, though, was a glass of water, two pills, keys, and a note. </p><p>He frowned as he picked it up and slid on his glasses to read it. </p><p>
  <em>Hey, Big Guy </em>
</p><p>
  <em>We're out to lunch at the Glass Onion. Stupid name, I know. Take the ibuprofen and take a shower. When you're ready, shoot me a text and drive over. Hope you're not too hungover. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Ryan</em>
</p><p>Shane sighed. He was a little hungover and wasn't drunk enough last night to not remember what happened. He wished he was. </p><p>An overwhelming sense of doom washed over him as he took the pills and fought the urge to keep hitting his head against a wall until he died. He didn't know how long he sat in that one place on the bed, drowning in his feelings. But he did know that he had to pee and probably did need to take a shower. </p><p>He walked into the bathroom, did his business, and turned on the shower before stepping under the spray of water. It was probably scorching but Shane couldn't feel it. He felt numb. Numb to everything. While in the shower, he debated the pros and cons of going to lunch with them. He didn't know what time it was, though. </p><p>Pros: </p><p>If things went badly, he could make a getaway. </p><p>No one would dare make a scene. </p><p>If he didn't go, they would be stuck in a hotel room together with unsolved (heh) tension. </p><p>Cons: </p><p>The disgusted look on Ryan's face because he was smart enough to figure it out. </p><p>Shane had to go through coming out to the guy he liked, the one who had given him his job, and some of his good friends. </p><p>Okay. So. The pros outweighed the cons. Shane did not like that but he got out, toweled off, stared at his lobster-red body from the hot water of the shower, got dressed, and picked up his phone. </p><p>It was only 12:47. </p><p>He groaned and ignored all notifications that weren't direct text messages. One from his mom, his brother, and a few friends. Nothing from TJ, Devon, Mark, or Ryan. He didn't know if that was good news or not. He picked up the car keys and pocketed his room key. </p><p>He was really doing this. </p><p>He was walking headfirst into the moment that he had feared for years. </p><p>So he started the car, plugged in his phone and played Eye of the Tiger as loud as he could without being in actual physical pain. The Glass Onion was fifteen minutes away from where they were staying. And to say that Shane hated each and every one of the twenty minutes it took him to arrive would be a vast understatement. He felt like his entire damn world was ending. </p><p>With a heavy heart and a racing mind, he got out of the car. </p><p>"Shane!" </p><p>His head snapped over to where Ryan, TJ, Mark, and Devon were sitting on the patio under an umbrella. They were all waving with big smiles on their faces. Shane was not going to be okay after the dust settled on this. </p><p>Like, he knew it was 2019, it was okay to be bi, but he was hardly okay with it. He never wanted to tell anyone. Especially not Ryan. </p><p>"Hurry up, man! Your beer's getting warm!" </p><p>So Shane went. He walked through the doors. </p><p>"Hi," said a waiter. "One?" </p><p>"Actually, I'm with a party out on the patio." </p><p>His voice was even shakier than he thought it would be. The waiter nodded and Shane walked out to where the patio was, clenching his hands at his sides to make it less obvious that he was about to explode or melt into the floor. </p><p>"Hey," Ryan greeted him cheerfully when he was within earshot. "How's your hangover?" </p><p>He held out Shane's beer to him and if he could, Shane would have taken it, but his hands seemed to be frozen at his sides and he couldn't bring himself to sit down. He needed to be ready to run at any moment. Disappointment flashed across Ryan's face as he set the beer down on the table directly across from him. Shane's seat. Directly across from him. </p><p>"Come on, Shane," Mark said, "sit down." </p><p>Shane just stared at them all. He had no idea what was happening. </p><p>"S-so-" Fuck. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. They were all looking at him expectantly. "So you're not... like, you're not... mad?" </p><p>The looks of pure horror on all of his friend's faces would have been funny had they not been shown to him there and then.</p><p>"God, Shane, of course not," Devon frowned. "You kissed a guy. It's okay." </p><p>Shane was having a brain fart. "What?" </p><p>"Yeah," TJ said. "It's fine." </p><p>"Hell," Mark laughed, "I've kissed a few guys." </p><p>"Shane," said Ryan in a way he thought was probably soothing, "we don't care." And then he winced. "I mean, we do care, just not about you being... gay?" </p><p>"Bi," he corrected. Ryan grinned. </p><p>"We don't care about you being bi, Shane. It's the least interesting thing about you." </p><p>
  <em>Oh. </em>
</p><p>"Oh?" Shane hummed, putting back up his old mask. "What's interesting about me, Ryan?"</p><p>"Jesus Christ," Ryan laughed. He picked up Shane's beer and held it out to him. "Shut up, Shane. And sit down. You'll still look like a giraffe, I promise." </p><p>Shane looked at him, then the beer, then Devon, TJ, and Mark. They... didn't care. They accepted him. For now. He was just being forced to wait until the other shoe dropped. But maybe he had some time before that. So he took the beer from Ryan, being careful to not touch him, and held it up. </p><p>"Thanks, guys," he toasted. "For not giving a shit about my sexuality." </p><p>They laughed but toasted anyway. Devon begged Shane to sit down and on his way to his seat across from Ryan, said Ryan was standing up and pulling him into a hug over the table.</p><p>Shane hated how his eyes closed and he held Ryan just a little too tightly. When he pulled quickly away, sure that Ryan had figured it out, all he found were happy, wide eyes and a big smile. </p><p>What the fuck. </p><p>Of course they would have reacted this way. Why was he so scared? Not just past tense. His heart was still racing and his palms were sweaty as all hell, but he didn't feel like he was going to throw up at any given moment, so that was a plus. </p><p>"Shane," Devon said, "does this mean that I can set you up with some of my guy friends?" </p><p>"Jesus Christ," Shane giggled. "You know what? Sure. Fine. Let's go." </p><p>The table burst out laughing and Shane felt lighter than he had in years. Even if the man that he... that he <em>liked </em>was sitting right across from him, in arm's reach, happy and grinning with shining eyes, perfect but unattainable, he had come out.</p><p>Maybe, because he was out now, he could live his life better. Maybe he didn't need Ryan. Ryan was probably just a little crush that had gotten him through his denial phase. He didn't want to be in his denial phase anymore. He wanted to get over Ryan and find someone to fall in love with and settle down with. That person didn't need to be Ryan. Ryan was his best friend. </p><p>And that's all he would ever be. </p><p>---</p><p>Yeah, Shane wanted to get over Ryan and was determined to now, that didn't mean he had to do it right away. They had just gotten back from lunch and Ryan suggested that they all go to the pool. </p><p>He was different when someone wasn't filming him. He wasn't scared or trying to sound smart. He was just being himself. And hell if Shane liked that better than on-camera Ryan. When the door of their hotel room was closed, Ryan immediately stripped off his shirt. Shane swore he didn't mean to say, </p><p>"Whoa!" </p><p>Ryan frowned at him. "What?" </p><p>"You're still like, comfortable enough around me to... do that?" Shane could not believe what he was seeing. </p><p>Ryan grinned awkwardly. "Of course, man. You're my best friend. Just cuz you're bi doesn't change that." </p><p>Shane gaped at him. "Oh. Okay. Cool. Thanks." </p><p>"I mean-" Ryan looked at the floor. "If you're not comfortable-" </p><p>"No," he said quickly. "No, I'm fine. I just didn't know you would be." </p><p>"You're a fucking idiot," Ryan breathed as he grabbed his swimsuit and walked into the bathroom. </p><p>"Holy shit," Shane laughed to himself. "Holy fucking shit." </p><p>Ryan walked out a few minutes later and as Shane was grabbing his things, he was suddenly pulled into a hug. </p><p>"I love you, man," Ryan said into his shoulder. "You're acting really weird so I'm guessing that was really hard for you, not to mention what happened last night, but you're our friend." </p><p>Shane felt like his arms were lead as he wrapped them around Ryan, careful to not hug him too tightly because he wasn't wearing a shirt. His skin was warm and smooth and it was making Shane feel a little bit crazy. </p><p>"Thanks," he croaked out. "I-" Fucking hell. "I love you, too." </p><p>Ryan pulled away and hit his shoulder. "Dude, change. We need to beat Devon and TJ in chicken." </p><p>Shane wanted to nod and function like a normal human being but he couldn't. "Could I," he cleared his throat and had to swallow. "Could I just have a could seconds alone, please?" </p><p>The look on Ryan's face was nothing but understanding and nice. "Sure. Hurry up, though." </p><p>He shot Shane one last grin before he walked out the door. Shane's legs finally gave out and he caught himself on a bed and sunk to the floor. He hid his hands in his face. What the fuck was he thinking? Ryan wasn't a crush to get him through his denial phase. Ryan was a crush.</p><p>No. Ryan wasn't a crush. </p><p>Shane was fucking in love with him. He was in love with Ryan Bargara. </p><p>He hit the carpeted floor helplessly with a dry sob.  </p><p>"Goddamnit." </p><p>It had gone better than he had ever imagined but in coming out, he had to admit it to other people, which meant he had to come to terms with the facts: he was bisexual and in love with his best friend. His <em>straight </em>best friend. </p><p>And it hurt. It hurt so damn much. </p><p>But he had to get up. He had to live his life the way he'd been living it for the past almost five years with only one difference: he was out. So he pulled himself up off the floor and put on his swimsuit. He walked out of the room and pressed the button elevator. The ride down was stiff and awkward and horrible. Shane stepped off the elevator and into the chlorine-smelling lobby. Through the glass to the left of the reception desk, he could see Devon on Ryan's shoulders and TJ on Mark's. </p><p>He almost thought that they would have more fun without him and he should leave, but TJ's caught his eye and his eyes lit up before he was shoved into the water by Devon and Ryan because he was distracted by Shane. </p><p>Because he had already been seen, he walked over, nodding to the woman who was at reception, looking bored out of her mind. He used his room key to unlock the pool door and he walked in. There were a couple of little kids in the pool, too. Their parents were watching out of the corner of their eyes but were mostly talking. He put his glasses down next to Ryan's and slipped off his shoes.</p><p>And then he cannonballed into the water. When he came up for air, Ryan was smiling at him like he was the funniest, most special person in the world. He hated that smile almost as much as he loved it because it made him think that there was a little bit of hope for them. </p><p>But there isn't, he reminded himself. </p><p>So he grinned back. "Come on," he motioned to himself just before he went back under the water. </p><p>With his eyes closed, he helped maneuver Ryan's legs around his shoulders. Once he felt Ryan squeeze his thighs together, he stood up and used all his strength to make sure that they didn't fall over. Ryan's hands moved to Shane's head to steady himself. Devon stood up out of the water and was somehow holding Mark on her shoulder. </p><p>Ryan's hand patted Shane's cheek. "Come on, big guy!" he shouted. </p><p>So Shane charged forward and Ryan knocked Mark off of Devon's shoulders effortlessly. </p><p>"Haha, yes!" </p><p>He sounded so happy. It never ceased to amaze Shane how easily he could make Ryan happy. </p><p>If that was all he could do for Ryan, that's what he would do. He would do anything for him. Anything for Ryan.  </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>fuck this shit i'm out</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Coming Back Home</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Before their plane ride home, Ryan is smiling at his phone. Shane asks about it and it's revealed that Ryan has met someone.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So obviously Ryan has a girlfriend, Mari, and they're very happy together. I have no interest in breaking them up in this fic. Ryan's new girlfriend will be an OC.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was 5:45 in the morning and Shane was gulping down a steaming cup of coffee. The five of them were sitting quietly, too tired to talk. Ryan giggled suddenly and Shane glanced over and saw him smiling at his phone, his face a little red. Shane's blood ran cold and he asked the question that he was dreading the answer to. </p><p>"Who you talkin' to, Ry-Guy?" </p><p>He glanced up and laughed awkwardly, scratching the side of his face. </p><p>"Heh, you caught me!" </p><p>Shane was reeling in his skin. <em>Please, Ryan, please don't do this. Don't do this to me. </em></p><p>"I met her a couple weeks ago." </p><p>"Oh, and you didn't tell us?" Devon teased. "Must be serious." </p><p>"Fuck you," he laughed. But then the way he grinned at the floor made Shane's heart break a little. "But, uh, yeah. I think it's getting a little serious." </p><p>"Shit, Ryan," Shane laughed. Even to himself, it sounded a bit forced. "What's her name?" </p><p>"Victoria." The way his face lit up when he said her name told Shane everything that he needed to know. "But she goes by Vic." </p><p>"Ooh!" Devon giggled. "Tell us about her!" </p><p>Ryan was blushing. "She has three sisters, Vivian, Veronica, and Valerie. Vic, though, she's an artist... an amazing painter and actor. She actually lives right across the street from me. We met while I was grabbing coffee about three months ago. She's really sweet and nice and really, really smart." </p><p>"Vic..." Mark muttered. "What's her last name?" </p><p>"Taylor."</p><p>Mark was on his phone and snapped his arm up so suddenly he almost hit Shane in the face. When his eyes adjusted, he saw a beautiful woman smiling back at him. A headshot of a gorgeous Native American woman with short black hair, full lips, multiple piercings in her ears, and striking gray eyes. </p><p>"She's pretty," he heard himself commenting before the phone was stolen away by Devon who, right away, started cooing over how beautiful she was. Shane sat back in his seat. </p><p>He would never be able to compare to that. She looked like a supermodel and Shane was, well, Shane. </p><p>"She's really funny, too," Ryan commented as he looked at her picture. Well. He more <em>gazed </em>than looked. "She doesn't take bullshit from anyone and she's about to sign a contract with Netflix to star in what's supposed to be a really huge show!" </p><p>"Ryan, that's awesome!" Devon squealed. </p><p>"Her friends are awesome, too. She's like... everything I could want in a woman," he gushed. </p><p>Shane wanted nothing more than to just get away from him and the things he was saying. But he had to stick around. Because if he didn't, it'd be suspicious. And... he hated it, but he couldn't bear the thought of leaving Ryan. </p><p>"What are her friends like?" Mark asked. </p><p>"The parties they have," Ryan laughed. "Most fun I've had in years." </p><p>
  <em>Ouch. </em>
</p><p>"She has three sisters, you say?" TJ joked. </p><p>"Yeah, three of 'em. But they don't talk." </p><p>TJ shook his head. "It's a shame." </p><p>"What about cute guys?" Devon grinned. </p><p>Shane wanted to leave. </p><p>There was a light behind Ryan's eyes as he said, "Well, she's got a lot of friends, but her best friends are actually identical twins." </p><p>Devon almost dropped her half-eaten donut. "You're shitting me," she gasped in disbelief. </p><p>"Yep!" said Ryan proudly. "Gabe and Nick." </p><p>Shane stood up abruptly. "Bathroom," he said before rushing away. </p><p>He didn't go to the bathroom. Instead, he sat down heavily at the nearest restaurant that was out of sight from their terminal. He rubbed his face. </p><p>"Shit," he whispered to himself. He wanted to cry. He <em>really </em>wanted to cry. But he was in a public place and there was already a family eyeing him. Their teenage son, especially. He smiled tightly at him, waved, and then actually went into the bathroom where he locked himself in a stall and sat down on the toilet. </p><p>This was going to happen at some point. Obviously. Ryan was an attractive guy and girls fawned over him when he wasn't being a nerd. But what hurt the most is that he didn't tell Shane about it right off the bat. He always did that. With Rose, with Aza, with Summer... Shane was always the first to know. Always. </p><p>But it felt like Ryan was moving on from him. He knew that was ridiculous. Vic was a girl that he liked. Maybe a girl that he would eventually love and settle down with and have babies with and their twin godfathers, Nick and Gabe, would come over every Sunday for brunch and Shane was out of the picture and- </p><p>-and he needed to chill the fuck out. </p><p>Ryan had said it himself in a tweet: the ghoul boys have a bond that can't be broken. </p><p>Well, it also said they took an oath, which was not true, but still. Close enough. </p><p>They were the Ghoul Boys. They had patted their bellybuttons together in a jail cell, trying to seduce a 'ghost' of an alleged psycho-killer lady two days ago. They were bonded for life. At least Shane hoped so. His phone buzzed. It was a text from Ryan. </p><p><strong>Lil Guy: </strong>Boarding</p><p>He slipped his phone back into his pocket and opened the stall door. He washed his hands and splashed water on his face. While staring at his reflection for a second, an old man asked, </p><p>"Scared of flying?" </p><p>Shane looked at him. Was he? No. Was he scared of this flight in particular? Yes. Hell yes, he was. So he laughed a nodded. </p><p>"A little bit, yeah." </p><p>The man clapped him on the shoulder. "I was a pilot in the Vietnam war," he announced. </p><p>Shane blinked. "Oh. Well, uh, thank you for your service."  </p><p>The man laughed. "You're welcome. But it's never as bad as you think it'll be. Where you headed?" </p><p>"L.A." </p><p>"Oh. That's a long flight." </p><p>Shane nodded and the old man smiled. </p><p>"You'll be fine, kid." </p><p>"Thank you, sir." </p><p>The man nodded and walked away into the stall. His phone buzzed again. </p><p><strong>Lil Guy: </strong>Dude hurry up</p><p>Putting his phone in his pocket yet again, Shane walked out of the bathroom and saw Ryan looking around anxiously for him. When their eyes met, his whole body relaxed and he smiled. </p><p>Shane fell for him a little more. </p><p>He walked over, grabbed his carryon, and stood in line with his friends. </p><p>"Can't wait to take this flight again," Ryan joked, nodding. </p><p>"Yeah, man," Shane agreed. "The highlights of my life are when we're in a metal tube in the air together for hours on end." </p><p>"I don't know about you guys," TJ said loudly, "but I will be taking a nap. I am so happy we're in first class."</p><p>"Window seat," Shane announced. </p><p>"Oh, come on!" Ryan whined. "I wanted window seat." </p><p>Shane looked down at him. "We don't have to sit together, Ry." </p><p>He could have sworn that he saw Ryan's face go just a shade darker but they were also scanning tickets and walking down the hallway to get to the plane. He wanted to believe but knew he didn't and couldn't. </p><p>"I want to," Ryan stated. "You've got good taste in movies." </p><p>Shane's hand went up to his heart. "Oh, Ryan," he said in an overdramatic fashion, "that's the nicest thing that anyone's ever said to me!" </p><p>Ryan barked out a laugh. "Fuck you." </p><p>"If you two are this loud on the plane, I will dump water over both your heads," Mark deadpanned. Ryan turned around and looked at him.</p><p>"Oh yeah," he said in his fake bedroom voice, "I think Shane and I will both need a cold shower with what we're gonna be doing in front of you." </p><p>Shane burst out laughing, his face flaming hot. "Jesus Christ, Ryan. What the- hi, thank you for flying us at this ungodly hour of the morning- what the hell is wrong with you?"  </p><p>Ryan shoved his carryon in the luggage compartment above their seats. Shane, knowing what he was about to do, quickly put himself between the seats and put in his carryon at a very awkward angle, Ryan complaining, just so Ryan wouldn't get the window seat. When he sat down, he grinned at Ryan smugly. </p><p>"Dick," he muttered as he plopped down in his seat. He took his phone out of his pocket and texted someone. Probably Vic, saying that he was on the plane now and had to go. In reality, they had like, half an hour until the plane actually took off, but just the thought that Ryan could be talking to his new girlfriend all that time but was deciding to talk to Shane, that made him happy. </p><p>Little victories, he reminded himself. </p><p>"Yeah," Shane said once Ryan had put his phone away, "you do think about my dick a lot." </p><p>Ryan burst out giggling and so did Shane. "What the fuck does that mean?" </p><p>"Remember-" shit. "Remember when you said that your brain exploded at the thought of me having a magical penis?" </p><p>Ryan slapped his knee as he laughed. "That's not the only thing that exploded!" </p><p>Shane had to hide his face in his hand. "Holy shit, Ryan..." </p><p>45 minutes later, the plane had finally started moving away from its boarding station. </p><p>"Finally," he heard Ryan mutter. "I can't wait to get home," he said to Shane. </p><p>"Yeah... me too. I want to sleep in without you waking me up with your senseless babbling." </p><p>"Hey, man," he yawned. "Fuck you. Just because you refuse to see what's right in front of you-" </p><p>"No, Ryan, you refuse to see what's in front of you! Which is nothing!" </p><p>"It could be behind me. Or from the sides." </p><p>"Yeah! It's air!"  </p><p>"Sometimes, other times, it's-" </p><p>"It's carbon dioxide." </p><p>"Shut up, Shane," he sighed. "Just pick a movie." </p><p>Shane did pick a movie. He picked Dumb and Dumber, just to make Ryan sigh. But he took Shane's other earbud and they watched it together until the safety briefing took place, something that they could basically talk along with; they had heard it so many times. After the briefing, the movie started back up again and ten minutes later, the plane took off. They opened their mouths and popped their ears and then focused their attention on the movie.</p><p>"You know," Shane said eventually, "I think I would make a pretty good-" </p><p>Ryan's head hit his shoulder and he looked down in confusion. </p><p>"Ryan?" </p><p>He couldn't get a clear look on Ryan's face but it was clear he had just passed out. So Shane stayed still, scared of waking him. Dumb and Dumber finished and then he watched the Brooklyn Nine-Nine episodes they had available. Eventually, he had to pee and wasn't above waking Ryan up to do so. When he had come back, Ryan was asleep with his head leaned back against the seat. </p><p>Shane sneaked past him as quickly and quietly as he could and sat back down. Once he pushed start and got comfortable, Ryan was grabbing Shane's arm and using it to pull him closer so he could put his head on Shane's shoulder again. </p><p>His heartbeat was racing and his mind was <em>far </em>from the movie he was watching. What was it again? Oh, yeah. Brooklyn Nine-Nine. It wasn't even a movie; it was a show.</p><p>He was so tired but with Ryan's head on his shoulder, he didn't know if he would be able to sleep. Like, ever again. With everything that Ryan had said over the years and the touches he let Shane get away with and now <em>this? </em></p><p>He wasn't getting over this anytime soon. He would probably meet Vic when they got back. </p><p>Hell, maybe he'd find something with Nick or Gabe. Maybe both! Shane wasn't picky, especially if they looked the same. </p><p>His eyes were closing on their own and he was trying to fight it, he really was, but eventually, his eyes closed and he thought that his head fell gently on Ryan's. </p><p>---</p><p>"Shane." </p><p>"Mmmmm?" </p><p>"Wake up." </p><p>"Mmmmwazza?" </p><p>"We're home, idiot." </p><p>He blinked his way awake and looked at Ryan. The light was shining on him through the open window cover. He looked like an angel. </p><p>"We're back?" he slurred. </p><p>"Yeah," Ryan laughed. "Come on, let's go." </p><p>So Shane stood up, grabbed his luggage and got off the plane, and walked forward with dread to his new life of knowing he was in love with Ryan Bargara, of meeting his new girlfriend and seeing him for multiple hours of every single goddamn day. Even when they weren't together, they didn't go more than 12 hours without texting each other. </p><p>His first boyfriend, over ten years ago, when they broke up, told him to be free and proud of who he is. To be out and embrace the feelings that come with it because not all of them are bad. </p><p>Now Shane had come out. Well, sort of. But all his emotions were turmoil or regret or panic or shame. </p><p>He really, really hoped the good feelings would come later because he didn't know what he'd do if they didn't. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hate the fact that this idea came from me rewatching the Office (for the eleventh time, I've been counting). </p><p>fun fact: i don't actually ship Shyan. i decided to read some stuff cuz i was bored and genuinely couldn't find anything i liked, like plot or them actually acting like themselves too much, so i decided to give it a shot and do more of a Jim/Pam thing. </p><p>and if you've written something for them or think that there's something wrong with the way i'm writing them or the plotline, please let me know either way. feedback is greatly appreciated. thank you!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Laura</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Shane meets Vic and Nick (aka the Rhyming Buddies) Gabe, Quest, and... Laura.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>meet a good amount of my OCs</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Shane did sleep when he got back. He went home, fed his cat, Obi, thanked his friend who had taken care of him, and fell right back asleep. Hours later, his phone was ringing. He picked it up and answered blindly. </p><p>"What do you want?" </p><p>"Hi, jeez," Ryan laughed. "I just was wondering if you wanted to come to a club with me and Vic. And Nick and Gabe. They're pretty cute, maybe you'll like one of them." </p><p>Shane wasn't awake enough to fully process that Ryan had just called two men cute. </p><p>"What?" </p><p>"What to what part?" </p><p>He shook his head and blinked. Obi was on his bed, looking at him. </p><p>"Uh. Yeah, sure. Text me where. I need a shower." </p><p>And then he hung up. He was going to meet Vic and her two best friends. </p><p>He said he was going to take a shower and he would. Eventually. Instead, he opened Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook, and whatever else he had and looked up Vic Taylor. He found her on every one of them. She was extremely photogenic. She looked graceful and amazing. A couple of pictures in, Shane found two identical people. They were tagged and he found himself stalking them, too. </p><p>Nick's profiles, words, and pictures were boring. </p><p>Gabe's profiles, words, and pictures were absolutely hilarious. His bio on Instagram said, <em>No one's too cool to talk to. Even cool kids take giant uncomfortable shits from time to time. Helps remind you we're all equal. </em></p><p>And then, under that,</p><p><em>WHY ISNT THERE A BISEXUAL FLAG</em> </p><p>So... he was bi, too. Cool. Cool cool cool cool cool cool cool cool cool. So maybe Shane had a shot. </p><p>A shot to get over Ryan. To find someone that made him happy. Someone to make Ryan jealous. Wait. No. He needed to get over Ryan because Ryan didn't want him. </p><p>He sighed and got up. He pressed a comical kiss to the top of Obi's head and grabbed something out of his dresser, happy he wasn't getting it from his suitcase. His suitcase, he remembered angrily, still had to be unpacked. He was petty. This is a known fact. </p><p>His phone chimed with information about the bar and the address. Shane put the address into the GPS on his phone and took a shower before putting on a comfortable shirt with pants and the boots that Ryan had bought after him. He got in his car and left. </p><p>It only took him a few minutes to get there, not counting the traffic. It was 9:57 on a Friday night, so Shane was very very angry at the young actors walking across the street in big packs that didn't seem to hear all the honking around him. </p><p>When he stepped into the bar, there was an arm around his shoulders and someone else was putting a lei around his neck. </p><p>"Welcome!" a man said. He was clearly gay. </p><p>Shane's eyes adjusted and saw that this was a gay bar. A fucking gay bar. Ryan invited him to a <em>gay bar. </em></p><p>What the fuck. </p><p>"Hey," he said to the man. </p><p>"I'm Issac," he giggled. </p><p>"Shane," he said absentmindedly, looking for Ryan or Vic, Gabe, or Nick. Someone was waving from the bar and Shane saw it was Ryan. </p><p>"I'm Ryan," the other guy said. That got Shane's genuine attention for a second. After a pause, he said, </p><p>"Yeah, nice to meet you guys. I have some friends at the bar, so..." </p><p>He pulled himself out of their grasps and quickly moved to his Ryan, who handed him a shot. </p><p>"You invited me to a gay bar?" </p><p>"Hey, this is Vic's favorite place," Ryan laughed. "It wasn't intentional." </p><p>Shane looked at him skeptically. "Okay..." </p><p>Ryan grinned and put his arm around a girl who turned around. She was even prettier in person than in a picture. She smiled widely. Her teeth were straight and white. </p><p>"Shane!" She hugged him and he wasn't expecting it. She pulled away and looked at him. "I'm Vic. It's so great to finally meet you. Ryan almost never shuts up about you."</p><p>Shane felt hot. "Really?" </p><p>Vic laughed loud and clear. Everything about her was gorgeous. "Not really, but close enough."  </p><p>Someone else's arm went around Vic's shoulders and Shane had to take a second. She had red hair and green eyes and freckles on her nose. She was smiling widely, holding a drink in her hand. She eyed him, too. </p><p>"Who's this?" </p><p>"Uh. I'm Shane." </p><p>She shook his hand firmly, not breaking grinning eye contact. After she let go, he took his shot. He saw Ryan and Vic smile at each other. </p><p>"The name's Laura." </p><p>"LAURA!" </p><p>One of the twins that Shane had been stalking popped up behind her, followed by an angry second one. </p><p>"Would you please tell Nick that mustard and fries taste good?" </p><p>"What the fuck," Laura laughed. "It doesn't, it really doesn't." </p><p>The one Shane thought was Gabe shoved her into Ryan, making him spill his drink a little. </p><p>"Thank you, Laur," Nick said. He saw Shane. "You're Shane, right?" He nodded and took Nick's hand. "I'm Nick. Pleased to meet you." </p><p>"Yeah, you too-" </p><p>He whipped around when he saw someone come up to them that he thought was taller than him. But he wasn't, he was a few inches shorter. He had curly black hair and dark, warm eyes. Laura threw herself at him. </p><p>"Quest!" </p><p><em>Quest? </em>The fuck kind of name was that?</p><p>"Hey, Laur," Quest said, smiling as she kissed his cheek. Oh. So he and Laura were dating. You see, Shane was a chaotic person. But this was <em>pure </em>chaos. </p><p>Laura got off him and turned around, yelling, "SHOTS!" </p><p>Everyone yelled and shots were passed around before Shane could even process anything. He took two more and decided to cut himself off there because he didn't want what happened last time to happen again. Everyone got a lot drunker than him and he was pulled out onto the dance floor. It was packed, like a bar in LA on a Friday should be. </p><p>Shane let himself relax and closed his eyes as he leaned into the music. Songs passed and he didn't stop dancing. He felt like he was letting himself go for the first time in years. He felt free. Until he opened his eyes and saw Ryan making out with Vic a few feet away from him. And he felt sick. </p><p>He stepped off the dance floor and sat down at the bar. He ordered a pina colada because he wanted to be 21 again. A few seconds later, someone sat down next to him. It was Laura. </p><p>"You like Ryan," she declared before she asked the bartender for a Long Island. Shane almost choked. </p><p>"No, I don't-" </p><p>She rolled her eyes. "I'm not gonna tell anyone." </p><p>"No, Laura, I don't-" </p><p>She looked him in the eye and even though she was almost a foot shorter than him, she was intimidating as hell. "Yes," she said firmly, "Shane, you do." </p><p>He pounded the penny top bar with his fist. There was no use hiding now. "It's just- he's straight and has a new girlfriend and- fuck!" </p><p>She nodded sympathetically. "I get it. Trust me, I do." </p><p>Shane scoffed. "You have a boyfriend." </p><p>She seemed scared for a second. "Wait, I do? Oh. You mean Quest, right?" </p><p>"Yeah?" he frowned. She laughed. </p><p>"No, Quest is my best friend. Jaz, who isn't here, she's my girlfriend." </p><p>"Oh." </p><p>"But trust me, dude, I get it." </p><p>He looked down helplessly. He really needed to stop getting drunk around Ryan. "What do I do?" </p><p>Laura sighed. "I don't know. Lemme be honest for a second: I don't think he and Vic are going to last. She's got some baggage and I get closeted bisexual vibes from Ryan." </p><p>That time, Shane really did choke on his drink. Laura slapped him on the back as he tried to get his breath back. "What?" </p><p>"Yeah," she shrugged. "Can't explain it, but... I get a vibe." </p><p>"Really?" he scoffed. "What vibe do you get from me?" </p><p>She grinned, and, without breaking eye contact, said, "Internalized homophobia, probably closeted or recently came out, in love with your best friend. Classic LGBTQ trope." He stared at her. "How'd I do?" </p><p>He downed the rest of his pina colada. </p><p>"I got it all right, didn't I?" </p><p>He didn't look at her. </p><p>"Well. Don't give up hope on Ryan. He's working through some shit." </p><p>He made himself look at her. She sounded and looked so sure of herself that it made Shane want more than anything for her to be right. His voice came out weaker and more hopeful as he said,</p><p>"You think?" </p><p>She put her hand on his arm. "Yeah. Dude, I'm sure." </p><p>"Yeah?" </p><p>"Yeah. Come on. Let's dance."  </p><p>He let her drag him to the dance floor and they danced together, laughing and having the time of their lives. Dancing a dramatic waltz, Shane asked, "Is Quest single?" jokingly. Laura laughed. Like Vic, she was effortlessly bright and approachable. </p><p>"Yeah, technically. He's like, in love with his roommate, Nile."</p><p>Shane rolled his eyes as he dipped her suddenly, making her burst out laughing. "Classic trope?" </p><p>"Oh, yeah," she said with a shaky voice, "a Classic. Capital C. Hey, gimme your phone." </p><p>"Why?" </p><p>"You're getting my number. We're hanging out later." </p><p>He smiled and handed her his phone. She put in her number and sent herself a text. When he got his phone back, he saw that she put herself in as <em>That One Ginger Bitch. </em></p><p>He really liked Laura. </p><p>"What do you do?" he asked. She rolled her eyes. </p><p>"I'm an actor. Just landed a co-starring role in Vic's new Netflix show, which I wrote with Nick, so that's awesome. And my girlfriend's in her last year of med school." </p><p>"Laura, that's awesome!" </p><p>"Right?" she laughed. There was a look of pride and excitement as she said, "Fucking Netflix is producing my show! And you're on Buzzfeed Unsolved, so I might drop your name a few times-" </p><p>"Wait," he interrupted. "You know who I am?" </p><p>"Fuck yeah, I do," she deadpanned. "But, no offense, I'm not gonna treat you like a star. You're a person." </p><p>He stared at her. </p><p>"What?" she asked. </p><p>He pulled her into a hug. It was hot and stuffy and sweaty, but it was the best that Shane had felt in a long time. He was just a normal person for once. </p><p>"Thank you," he whispered. </p><p>"Sure. Anytime. Don't know what I did, but you're welcome." </p><p>She pulled away and took hold of the lei he forgot he was wearing and started moving her shoulders and feet. They were dancing and actually didn't notice when all of their friends left because they were having too good of a time. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I love Laura</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Humming</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>you wish you had a preview. you gotta go in blind, like me</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i have a way to get things really going in this chapter but i also wanna keep y'all in suspense for a little bit more so i'll keep dragging it out</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"You and Laura get along well," Ryan said out of nowhere as Shane was working on a script. He glanced up. </p><p>"Yeah, she's pretty cool." </p><p>His phone chimed and it was a text from Laura herself, confirming their movie night. He texted back yes as Ryan looked over his shoulder, reading what he was responding to. </p><p>"Movie night, huh?" </p><p>"Yep." </p><p>"What movie?" </p><p>"Wall-E." </p><p>"Seriously?' </p><p>Shane looked up at him for a first time in a while. Ryan's smile seemed forced. </p><p>"Yeah," he said slowly. "You okay, Ry-Guy? You don't look so good." </p><p>Ryan scoffed. "Yeah! Of course." </p><p>Shane stared at him. "You can't expect me to believe you." </p><p>"Fine." Ryan sighed and took a gulp of his coffee. "Vic's ex texted her and asked if she wanted to get back together." </p><p>Shane suppressed a bitter smile. Of course it was about Vic. Some part of him wanted Ryan to be jealous that he and Laura were so close already. But he probably knew about Jaz, so there was no hope of making him jealous there.  </p><p>"Oh. Is he an asshole, or...?"</p><p>Ryan shook his head. "No, she's really nice, apparently." </p><p>Shane almost choked on his own spit. "She?" </p><p>"Yeah. Her name's Soria and, according to Vic... they were really good together." Ryan rubbed his face. "They broke up because of distance but now Soria moved to LA because of her job, and..." </p><p>Shane was bursting with so many emotions. He didn't know what to do with them. "Does Vic want to get back with her?" </p><p>Ryan threw his hands up in the air. "She says she doesn't, but ever since then, she's been acting a little weird! I don't know!" </p><p>He was looking ready to start pulling out his hair, so Shane reached over and pulled Ryan into a sideways hug from their chairs. The lil guy leaned into him and it honestly took all Shane had to not kiss his head. His hair smelled good. The fabric of his shirt was smooth and Shane couldn't breathe as Ryan let his head relax and tuck into the crook of his neck. </p><p>TJ passed them with a strange look and Shane sent him a look that clearly said <em>Keep your fucking mouth shut. </em></p><p>TJ smiled suddenly and Shane had a terrible realization: he knew. TJ figured out that Shane liked Ryan. TJ was looking at Shane and Shane sent him a desperate look, begging him to not say anything or tell anyone. TJ nodded solemnly and mimicked locking his mouth and throwing away the key. And then he continued on to his desk. Shane's face was beet red, so of course, Ryan chose to pull away then.  </p><p>He wiped his face and muttered thanks before getting back to his work, clearly a little embarrassed that he had just been crying a little. Thank god for that. Not that Ryan was crying or having relationship troubles, but that he didn't notice Shane's clear emotions. </p><p>Shane accidentally cleared his throat and went back to writing his script. Well, he tried. It was more like he was staring the at computer screen without seeing it, wishing he could write, but his mind was preoccupied at the moment. And it was the little twerp that was sitting next to him; it was his fault. </p><p>A couple hours later, Shane was finally able to focus a little, but it was time to leave. Time for him to go over to Laura's and watch Wall-E and meet Jaz. He got up and grabbed his coat. Ryan was staring dejectedly at the floor. </p><p>Fuck. </p><p>"Hey, Ryan," he said. Ryan looked up and Shane just wanted to kiss him. His eyes expressed so much emotion. He pulled himself together and asked, "Do you want to come with me over to Laura's for movie night?" </p><p>Ryan looked at him doubtfully. "...Really?" </p><p>"Yeah." </p><p>Ryan's eyes lit up. Jesus Christ, Shane hated that he finally came to terms that he was in love with Ryan. It was harder this way. "Yeah!" </p><p>Shane tapped the table with his fingers. "Okay. Come on." </p><p>They walked out of the building together and got into their separate cars after he convinced Ryan that Laura and Jaz wouldn't mind if he was there. He texted Ryan the address and pulled out of the parking lot. He promptly called Laura. </p><p>"Hey, Barn Owl." </p><p>Shane didn't even have time to process or figure out what the nickname meant. "Ryan's coming with me." </p><p>A pause. "Okay. Why?" </p><p>Shane felt like he was about to explode, so he accidentally word-vomited a bit. "He and Vic are kind of having a rough time, so he's stressed out. I invited him because he- he's stressed. And- and-" </p><p>"Okay, dude, chill. It's fine. There's more than enough food." </p><p>Shane sighed. "It's hard." </p><p>"I know," she hummed. "I can make sure you guys sit close if you want." </p><p>Shane closed his eyes. Would that make him feel better or worse? Probably worse. "Yeah, that'd be great. Thanks." </p><p>"No problem. But Shane, you need to chill the fuck out, okay?" </p><p>He took a breath. "I know. I know." </p><p>"Okay. Good. I'll see you in a bit. Don't die." </p><p>Shane smiled to himself. "No promises." </p><p>He heard Laura laughed. "Okay, that's fair. Bye." </p><p>"Bye." </p><p>He hung up. At a stoplight, he let his head fall against the steering wheel with a loud thump. His phone started ringing. It was Ryan. He hit his head in succession on the wheel before answering. "Hey." </p><p>"Are you sure that they're good with me coming over?" </p><p><em>"Yes, </em>Ryan. I promise." </p><p>"Okay." He clearly didn't believe him. </p><p>"I just called Laura," Shane said comfortingly. "She's fine with it. So is Jaz." </p><p>"Oh, yeah. Who's Jaz? Laura's roommate?" </p><p>Shane frowned to himself as he turned right. "No? That's Laura's girlfriend." </p><p>"Oh." Ryan sounded shocked. "I thought you two were dating." </p><p>Shane burst out laughing because, at this point, the thought of dating anyone else but Ryan was frankly ridiculous. "No," he managed. </p><p>"You guys seem... close." </p><p>He knew that wasn't jealously that he was detecting in Ryan's voice, but damn if he didn't let himself believe it for a second. </p><p>"Yeah, we're friends." </p><p>"You've been friends for three days." </p><p>"Yeah," Shane said, "and now we're hanging out. What's wrong with that?" </p><p>He could hear Ryan's frown as he said, "Nothing. Sorry." </p><p>Obviously there was something else, but Shane, for the life of him, couldn't figure out what and didn't want to annoy Ryan by asking. He wouldn't forget it, though. He turned into a parking lot. </p><p>"You here yet?" </p><p>"Gimmie like, three minutes." </p><p>"Okay. I'll see you inside. Press the button that says House of Pan Lesbians." </p><p>Ryan laughed. "Okay. Bye." </p><p>"See ya." </p><p>He hung up quickly and pressed the buzzer for Laura's apartment. He was let in right away and ran up the stairs. Laura was waiting for him outside of her door. She grinned at Shane as he approached. She hugged him, knocking the air out of him a little and pulled him inside.</p><p>"Here's the plan." </p><p>Shane didn't know what she was talking about, but what he'd learned about Laura is that when she's doing something, just let her do it. There's always a point in the end. Laura pointed to the couch and a loveseat. </p><p>"Jaz and I will take the couch, saying we want to cuddle or some cheesy shit, and that leaves you and Ryan in the loveseat." </p><p>"Laur, I don't think you should be playing with this," a voice said behind them.</p><p>They turned around and Shane saw a girl with long, black and white braids. She had a round face, full lips, and green eyes. Freckles were splattered over her face. She had vitiligo. There were patches of her skin that were pure white while her natural color was a light brown. All things considered, she was very pretty. </p><p>Laura smiled. "He wants me to, it's fine." </p><p>Jaz looked at Shane. "You want this?" </p><p>He nodded. "Uh, yeah. I'm Shane, by the way. It's nice to meet you." </p><p>She reached out a hand and he took it. She had a firm handshake. "I'm Jaz Young. It's nice to meet you, too. Please, make yourself at home. Dinner will be done soon." </p><p>"Oh, shit," said Laura next to him, "dinner." </p><p>She rushed into the kitchen and Jaz stepped out of it and lead Shane to the couches. She was super short. "Laura's the cook. But you met her through Vic, right?" </p><p>"Yeah. Met her at a bar. So, you're in medical school?" </p><p>She blushed. "Yeah. Final year."</p><p>"Impressive." </p><p>"RIGHT?!" Laura yelled from the kitchen. The buzzer rang and jolted Shane out of the safe bubble he had made for himself in the House of Pan Lesbians. She let him in and stepped out into the hall. </p><p>Jaz smiled at him. "I liked Laura for years before we got together," she said suddenly. "I didn't think that she was into girls. Turns out she's pan, but it took a long time. Just be patient. You'll find someone, even if it's not Boogara." </p><p>It was strangely comforting to hear that story from someone who was now in a clearly loving relationship with their longtime crush. </p><p>"Laura would not stop talking about how proud of you she was at the bar," he laughed. "That you're in med school and you're about to become a doctor. She wouldn't shut up about how smart you are." </p><p>Jaz laughed. </p><p>What was it with Vic having attractive friends who had attractive significant others? </p><p>"Ghost Boy is here!" Laura yelled. </p><p>"Thanks for having me," Shane heard Ryan say to Laura, hugging her. Jaz touched his arm and got up to greet him. </p><p>He watched for a moment. Ryan was beautiful. His fucking giggle made Shane melt into the floor a little bit more every time he heard it. They ate a really good dinner, laughed hard, made good memories, and eventually started watching Wall-E at about 8:45 at night. </p><p>"Dibs on the couch," Laura announced, plopping down on said couch. Shane saw Jaz roll her eyes and sit with her. </p><p>Shane sat down on the loveseat and patted the spot next to him, smiling up at Ryan. Ryan grinned and sat down next to him. Just sitting, their legs were touching. </p><p>The movie started. Slowly, very very slowly, Shane relaxed into his seat and leaned into Ryan just a bit. He held his breath until Ryan leaned into him and they were comfortably... cuddling? </p><p>He glanced over at Laura, who grinned at him and winked. He smiled despite himself and leaned into Ryan just a little more. Wall-E ended and Shane got up to go to the bathroom after they decided that they'd watch one more movie. </p><p>Ryan went to the bathroom after him. </p><p>Their second movie was the Emperor's New Groove. When Ryan came back, he sat down and threw his legs over Shane's lap. Shane stared at him and was happy that Laura dimmed the lights because he was sure his face was red. He was sure Laura was proud of herself behind him.   </p><p>"This good?" he asked. Shane nodded mutely. Ryan grinned and looked at the screen as Laura hit play. Shane, on the other hand, it took a lot of willpower to look away from the man next to him that was grinning and giggling like a child at a children's movie. He pulled Ryan's legs closer and- holy shit- Ryan pulled himself closer and leaned into Shane. </p><p>He was in the perfect place for Shane to put his arm around. </p><p>Fuck it, he decided, no homo was dead at this point. </p><p>He put his arm around Ryan's shoulder and Ryan fucking- <em>Ryan fucking hummed. </em>Like, happily. Like he was warm and comfortable and happy. He was sure his brain was leaking out of his ears.</p><p>The look on Laura's face wasn't pride. It looked like she was genuinely happy for him. So he pulled Ryan a little closer. </p><p>And Ryan didn't move away. </p><p>Jaz fell asleep partially on top of Laura and it made Shane's heart ache a little with how lovingly Laura looked at her girlfriend. It was like the movie wasn't important to her. Jaz was all that she cared about. The smile on her face was identical, he was sure, to the way he smiled at Ryan sometimes. </p><p>Here's the thing: Shane isn't stupid. But he didn't know what this cuddling meant to Ryan, but it meant something. Ryan had never done this before. Ryan wasn't drunk and it was significant. </p><p>He didn't know what Ryan's motive was, but there was something there. This wasn't random.  </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i'm lowkey proud of myself for how pure Jaz and Laura's relationship is</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Just Art</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>there's a baby bunny, three chipmunks and a deer in my backyard rn. i'm moving in a couple of weeks and fucking hell, i'm gonna miss country life</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>This is Jaz and Laura bc I got bored<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>if you have any drawing requests i would love something to do</p><p> </p><p>should i do a how to get away with murder AU with Shane and Ryan with them as Oliver and Connor? Bc i will</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Complete Oblivion, Seriously, He's So Dumb</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>oooooooooh things are happening</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Vic, Laura, Jaz, Nick, Gabe, Alijah, and Quest have been in my life for almost two years. There's a whole universe I've created for them. If you're interested in seeing Laura and Jaz's relationship form in the context they were created in, you can check out another story that's on here. </p><p>It's called The Awake. You can find it, obviously, by going to my works.</p><p>TW: talk of attempted suicide</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Shane took a deep breath and steeled himself for what he was about to do. He exhaled and closed his eyes. He opened them and looked at Ryan. </p><p>"Why did you that with me, at Laura's?" </p><p>It had been three days. It was a Thursday. Ryan looked up from his desk and frowned. </p><p>"Do what?" </p><p>Shane pursed his lips. "Cuddle with me, Ry. Why did you do that?" </p><p>"Oh." Ryan smiled awkwardly. "I wanted to?" </p><p>He would rather suffocate in horse shit than have this conversation, but he was legitimately losing sleep over it. He pinched the bridge of his nose. </p><p>"Why, though? You have a girlfriend." </p><p>Ryan's gaze shifted to his desk. "I'm not sure about that, actually." </p><p>Shane hated how quickly he looked up and the hope that filled his body. He pushed those feelings down and tried to be a supportive friend. "Why?" </p><p>The man beside him scoffed and it hurt Shane to see in this much pain. With clenched fists and jaw, Ryan said, "Soria. Vic's not over her. I don't- I'm not mad at her, but..."</p><p>"It still hurts," Shane finished. Of course, he knew exactly what Ryan was talking about. He wasn't mad at Ryan for not loving him back, but that didn't stop it from hurting, it didn't stop him from getting drunk and crying or watching chick flicks and eating shitty Chinese food and then ice cream. </p><p>Ryan nodded. "I think I have to break up with her." </p><p>Shane felt elated. "Okay... there's no hope to save it?" </p><p>Ryan shook his head and Shane wanted to cheer. He always wanted to whenever Ryan broke up or was broken up with. That made him a shitty friend, he knew that. He hated himself for it, but he couldn't change how he felt. </p><p>Shane sighed and Ryan stood up suddenly. "Come on. Let's just go do the V.O." </p><p>Confused, he got up and followed Ryan away and into the recording booth. He put on his headphones and waited patiently as Ryan pulled up noises that he heard at the jail. He listened to them, laughed, rinsed and repeated. </p><p>"Here, our audio recorder picks up-" </p><p>Shane's hearing cut out as he felt Ryan's hand slip into his own. Ryan's hands were sweaty and small. He yanked his hand away from Ryan and ran into the wall of the tiny studio. His headphones were pulled off his head and landed with a <em>thump </em>on the floor. </p><p>"What are you doing?" he demanded. </p><p>Ryan looked down sheepishly. "I don't know. You- you came out as bi and that got me thinking-"</p><p><em>"Thinking? </em>You think you're <em>bi?! </em>What the hell, Ryan?!" </p><p>"I DON'T KNOW!" Ryan yelled desperately. "But- at Laura's- I really liked it!"</p><p>"You... liked it," Shane repeated, his mouth dry. Ryan took off his headphones at stared at Shane, scared. </p><p>"I did," he insisted. "And Vic's bi, and you're bi, and Laura's like, pan or something, and Jaz is a lesbian- I don't know! I'm confused. I think I... I like I like guys, too."</p><p>Shane gaped at him. This couldn't be happening. This was a dream; there was no way those words just came out of Ryan 'No Homo' Bergara's mouth. </p><p>"So, I was just- I don't know, just seeing how it felt." </p><p>
  <em>Oh. </em>
</p><p>"You're..." Shane was about to start crying. "You're just... seeing how I feel? Seeing how it feels to hold my hand and cuddle with me?" </p><p>Ryan shrugged helplessly. "I guess? I swear, I'm not into you, I was just-" </p><p>"Oh my god," he laughed. "Oh my fucking god, Ryan!" </p><p>"What-" </p><p>Shane wiped a stray tear. "Look," he said angrily, "I get it. I get that you're trying to figure this out. Maybe you're bi. Maybe you're not. But you know what?" </p><p>Ryan looked scared. Scared of Shane. And right now, he was okay with that. "What?" </p><p>He jabbed his finger into Ryan's chest. "You're not going to do that with <em>me. </em>You are <em>not </em>going to fucking <em>experiment </em>with <em>me, </em>the fucking IDIOT who's been in love with you for the past-" he threw his hands up in the air, "I don't even know how long! <em>Years. </em>Fucking <em>years, </em>Ryan! You do not get to do that to me!"</p><p>Ryan's eyes were wide and filled with tears. Shane stumbled back and sobbed into his hand.</p><p>"You don't get to do that to me," he repeated weakly. "Experiment with your sexuality all you want, but not with me." </p><p>He opened the door and stepped out. Ryan reached after him. </p><p>"Shane-" </p><p>He cut him off sharply. "Call Laura. I'm sure she can help you figure out your <em>problem</em>." </p><p>He practically ran out of the building and to his car. He backed out of his parking spot, tears rolling silently down his face. He should have never come out. It was a mistake. It was an idiotic mistake and now he ruined everything. His job, his relationship with his best friend- </p><p>
  <em>CRASH. </em>
</p><p>"SHIT!" </p><p>His body was jerked to the side and his car skidded to the side. The car that hit him did a 180 and was now facing him. The face of the terrified driver, an old man, stared back at him. Traffic stopped and Shane felt numb. A car crash. Right outside of his office, where his coworkers would come out and see him in his worst possible state and Ryan probably would too. Someone was knocking at his window. He couldn't bring himself to look up.  </p><p>Muffled, he heard the person yelling his name. He was sure it Devin from As/Is from her voice. </p><p>"SHANE? ARE YOU OKAY? PLEASE, ANSWER ME! UNLOCK YOUR CAR!" </p><p>She stopped yelling and was probably calling 911. As soon as she was quiet, other voices were yelling. He heard TJ, Devon, Mark, Steven, Curly, and a few others. He felt like he was blacking out. </p><p><em>"GUYS! </em>I'M BREAKING THE WINDOW, HE'S HURT!"</p><p>That was Ryan. His back left window shattered and someone unlocked his door from the inside. Then his door was being opened and someone was unbuckling him and pulling him out of the car. He landed heavily on the ground and Ryan was in front of him.</p><p>"Shane, please tell me you're okay-" </p><p>He shoved him away. </p><p>"Get the hell away from me!" he yelled. <em>"Stay</em> the <em>hell</em> away from me!" </p><p>He scrambled up as Ryan reached for him. "Shane, please-" </p><p>"No! Please, just-" he burst out crying again. "Just leave!" </p><p>"I'm sorry, Shane!" </p><p>"I don't care! I <em>don't </em><em>care!" </em></p><p>TJ stepped between them and pushed Ryan away. "Dude, go!" </p><p>"He's my best friend-!" </p><p>"Go, Ryan!"</p><p>Ryan looked desperately at Shane, who was looking at him, wishing he could have him. Wishing he could hug Ryan and kiss him and hold his hand. Finally, his tears made his vision too blurry to see and he had to close his eyes. He kept them closed and let the person next to him pull him into a hug. He was pretty sure it was Devon. </p><p>"The police are coming, Shane," she said. "Is there anything you need from me?" </p><p>"Call Laura," he sobbed. She was the only one who knew. The only one that he felt could understand. He fumbled with his phone and managed to open it and start the phone ringing for Devon. </p><p>"Laura?" Pause. "This is Devon. Shane was in a car crash- no, he's fine, he just wants you here? Oh, we're right outside of the office. Will you-? Okay. Thank you." She hung up. "She's coming," she said to Shane.</p><p>He nodded and fell onto the grass. He could hear police sirens coming closer. They stopped in from of them. </p><p>"Do you need a medic?" the officer asked. Shane shook his head. "Are you sure?" He nodded. "Okay. Do you have an insurance card?" </p><p>With shaking hands, he reached into his pocket and pulled out his insurance card, I.D., and driver's license. The person who hit him took all the blame. He heard a car stop loudly and saw Laura running toward him. She fell on her knees next to him. </p><p>"Are you-" </p><p>"I told him," he choked out quietly. "I told him. He- he said he was questioning and using me as an experiment-" </p><p>"Oh, shit," Laura breathed. She hugged him tightly. After a couple of minutes of Shane pulling himself together, she said, "Today really isn't your day, is it?" </p><p>Shane laughed. He loved Laura so much. "Yeah, not really." </p><p>She pulled away and smiled at him. "You're not going to work tomorrow. You're staying with me and I'm inviting over Alijah. You're gonna love him. We can drink and order shitty pizza and play Cards Against Humanity and play bad music too loud. Jaz is out all night at the hospital for her residency. It'll be awesome." </p><p>Shane nodded. "Yeah. Yeah." </p><p>"And I know all about dissociation and PTSD, so does Alijah, he actually lost- that's not my story. Sorry. But trust me, we can help." </p><p>"I trust you," he muttered. </p><p>Dealing with the police was annoying. His car was probably totaled. Once he was cleared to leave, he got in the car with Laura, they picked up a couple of pizzas and alcohol. Alijah met them at Laura's house and Shane was introduced to Alijah Ramirez. He had olive skin and dark brown shaggy hair. On the left side of his face and left arm, were scars. Small, short, jagged scars.  </p><p>Alijah told him that his mother was killed in a car crash when he was sixteen and the scars on his face were from the glass of the window shattering. </p><p>They stayed up late, eating and drinking, dancing, laughing, and playing Cards Against Humanity. </p><p>He tried hard to not think about Ryan.  </p><p>But when Alijah was asleep, Shane and Laura were on the floor, in the dark, playing Minecraft with a bowl of microwave popcorn. </p><p>"He said that he was just seeing how it felt," he said suddenly. Laura glanced at him. </p><p>"Okay..." </p><p>"To see how it felt to... I guess, be with a guy. Hold hands or whatever. Cuddle." </p><p>"I'm sorry, Barn Owl." </p><p>Shane was about to ask but shook his head. That question was for another time. "He said he wasn't into me. He <em>admitted </em>that I was just... an <em>object </em>to him. Another prop in one of his mysteries." He laughed. "I can hear him now: Shane Madej was-" </p><p>"Shane," Laura breathed, "don't do this." </p><p>"Do what?" </p><p>She paused the game and looked at him. "You're- you're blocking out your feelings. Avoiding them." </p><p>"Yeah." </p><p>"Don't." </p><p>"Why not?" he asked bitterly. "It's always worked for me." </p><p>"It used to work for me, too." </p><p>"See? It's fine-" </p><p>"And then one day I snapped." </p><p>Shane looked at her and she was already looking at him with such an intensity that all his quips died in his mouth. </p><p>"I ended up in the emergency room," she continued. "I went to a mental hospital. When I got out, I got worse. I stopped caring about myself. I flirted and... and kind of became a bit of a slut. I pushed away and hurt the one person I really cared about." She looked up at the ceiling and her voice cracked as she said, "I hurt Jaz. But she didn't stop. She kept coming back to me, worrying about me, until I said something so bad... she left for what I thought was for good." </p><p>She wiped a tear. </p><p>"I was going to kill myself. Everything was set up. I stepped off the chair and I was choking, I couldn't breathe, and... and she walked in. She came one more time and she literally <em>saved </em>my life. She got me down, called an ambulance and... she was with me every step of the way. She's the reason I'm here today." </p><p>She unpaused the game and focused her attention on the screen. Shane stared at her. </p><p>"Laura-" </p><p>"Don't ignore your feelings." </p><p>"Laura-" </p><p>She turned to him and grabbed his sleeve desperately. "Promise me, Shane. Promise me you'll talk to someone." </p><p>He gulped and nodded. "Okay." </p><p>She closed her eyes. "There's a DBT center close by. Dialectal behavior therapy. You should get on the waiting list. It's worth it, I promise." </p><p>"Okay. But-"</p><p>"You think I was always like this?" she asked, gazing at him. "You think I was always this happy and nice? No. I had to work for it. And even if Ryan is bi and everything works out for you two, that's not going to solve all your problems. There's not one solution for anything. I hope everything works out for you two, I do, but you need to do other things, too. And you know what?" </p><p>"What?" </p><p>She smiled at him and put her hand on his arm. </p><p>"I'll be there every step of the way." </p><p>He dropped his controller and hugged her. She hugged him back and they stayed on the ground like that until it was nighttime and they were being attacked by monsters. A couple of moments later, Shane threw his controller down. </p><p>"I FUCKING HATE SKELETONS." </p><p>"Dude, just teleport to me. You'll be fine."  </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Okay. I'll be honest: Laura is based on me. I almost killed myself. I've gone to two mental hospitals. DBT is helping me so much. If you're feeling suicidal, please talk to someone. I was in such a bad place for such a long time, but I'm so much better now. </p><p>On a lighter note, have you seen the Watcher Weekly that came out today (6/17/20)? It's fucking hilarious and when you're done, read through some of the comments.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. He's Fine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>fuck if i know.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I will admit, when I was writing this, I felt like this is super cliche and I still don't know how I feel about that.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Shane was woken up by a door closing gently. He turned over and looked up in confusion when someone's head slipped off his shoulder. It was Laura.</p><p>She caught herself just before she landed on her side. He heard Jaz laugh under her breath. Laura was pushing herself up and Shane closed his eyes again. </p><p>"Laur, go back to sleep," Jaz whispered a couple of seconds later. </p><p>"I'm sorry," Laura mumbled. Shane looked over at them. Laura was hunched over and hiding her face in Jaz's shoulder. Jaz was holding her gently, like she was the most precious thing in the world. It was adorable.  </p><p>"Why?" </p><p>"Told Shane." </p><p>Jaz sounded worried as she asked quietly, "What did you tell Shane? Are you okay?" </p><p>He was eavesdropping and wanted to stop but they were in the same room as him. </p><p>"...Like, us. Our origin story. I'm sorry that I-" </p><p>"Shhhh. We've been over this. It's okay." </p><p>Laura was choked up. "I love you. So much." </p><p>"I know, babe. I love you, too." </p><p>"You mean so much to me." </p><p>"You mean a lot to me, too. Come on, let's go to bed." </p><p>They started walking away. "I'm not drunk or hungover." </p><p>"I know, Laurasia. Come on. I'm doing this because I love you." </p><p>"Shit," Laura laughed quietly. "I know you mean it when you use my full name." </p><p>"Of course I mean it," Jaz murmured. "Come on, let's sleep." </p><p>"Thanks for, like..." </p><p>"You're welcome." It sounded like Jaz kissed Laura on the cheek. "Come on, honey." </p><p>The door to their room closed and Shane sat up and hugged his knees. He wanted that with Ryan. It was disgustingly sweet and usually, Shane hated those kinds of things. But he wanted it. So bad. And now Ryan knew about his feelings and he didn't feel the same way. He was never going to have that. </p><p>"They're cheesy," said a voice from behind him, scaring the shit out of him. Shane turned around and saw Alijah, who was looking at him with one eye. </p><p>"Uh, yeah." </p><p>"Yeah." Alijah yawned. </p><p>"So..." Fuck, this was awkward. "Laura's name is Laurasia?" </p><p>"Yep," Alijah said, popping the P. "Laurasia Ashton Zardari." </p><p>"That's quite a name." </p><p>"Oh, you haven't heard anything yet," he laughed. "We have a friend, one of my best friends, Aza, whose full name is Chinaza Ramonia Tamarind Vaziri." </p><p><em>Aza. </em>Wasn't that...? No, Aza was just someone Ryan liked. They never got together. Maybe he met Vic through Aza. No, Ryan and Vic met through coffee. He was too tired for this shit. </p><p>"I'm going back to sleep," declared Alijah, flipping over and putting his arm over his head. </p><p>Shane thought that sounded like a really good idea. He checked his phone to see what time it was and saw dozens of texts from Ryan, dating from yesterday after he left with Laura until half an hour ago. They were consistent throughout the night. It didn't look like Ryan had slept. It was 8:38. </p><p><strong>Lil Guy: </strong>Shane I'm sorry</p><p><strong>Lil Guy: </strong>It was so shitty of me to do that when I didn't even think about how you felt it was so selfish of me I'm so sorry man</p><p><strong>Lil Guy: </strong>You mean so much to me you're my best friend</p><p><strong>Lil Guy: </strong>I don't care if you're in love with me</p><p><strong>Lil Guy: </strong>NO THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT</p><p><strong>Lil Guy: </strong>I mean it's not a big deal</p><p><strong>Lil Guy: </strong>Fuck</p><p><strong>Lil Guy: </strong>I mean that you're very important to me</p><p><strong>Lil Guy: </strong>One of the most important people in my life and I don't want to lose you or anything</p><p><strong>Lil Guy: </strong>Like you're my best friend and I fucked up and I'm sorry and I already miss you and I hope we can get through this because you are the funniest person I know and you're nice and smart </p><p><strong>Lil Guy: </strong>I don't want to live without you</p><p><strong>Lil Guy: </strong>Inviting you to host with me was the best decision I've ever made and I messed it all up I'm sorry</p><p><strong>Lil Guy: </strong>I'll do whatever you need me to do</p><p><strong>Lil Guy: </strong>I just want us to be okay Shane please</p><p>And those were just the <em>highlights. </em>And then: </p><p><strong>Lil Guy: </strong>SHANE</p><p>A tear fell on the screen. </p><p><strong>Lil Guy: </strong>Okay I get it I totally deserve to be left on read</p><p><strong>Lil Guy: </strong>When you're ready I'm here to talk</p><p><strong>Lil Guy: </strong>Whenever you need me, big guy</p><p>Shane sniffed. He wanted to go home. </p><p>Shit! He forgot to feed Orange Boy. He pushed himself up and was almost out the door when he remembered he didn't have a car. Laura walked out of the bedroom with an empty glass of water in her hand. She looked at him blearily. </p><p>"Take mine." </p><p>"Really?" He hadn't even asked her yet. She nodded. </p><p>"Yeah. I'll pick it up later." </p><p>"Thanks." </p><p>She picked up her keys from the counter and threw them to him. He caught them and left the building. </p><p>He got into her car and drove back to his own apartment. Obi was at the door, waiting and screaming for him. He unlocked the door, apologized profusely to his cat as he fed him. Then he went to the bathroom and collapsed into his bed. </p><p>---</p><p>He woke up around 11:00. He sat around for half an hour and decided he would work from home. He was bored. </p><p>Opening the Google Doc that was holding a script that he and Ryan were working on, his heart stopped for a moment. Ryan was editing, too. He shook his head and read it over, fixing little mistakes that Ryan made and editing things that could be better. </p><p>There was a knock on the door. Shane frowned and got up. He looked through the peephole. It was a delivery guy. But he hadn't ordered anything. He opened the door and frowned. </p><p>"Mister, uh..." </p><p>"Madej," he provided. </p><p>"Yeah," the teenager nodded. He looked at the bag held it out to Shane. "These are for you." </p><p>"I didn't order anything." </p><p>"Really?" The kid looked at the receipt. "Uh, it says that these are gifts." </p><p>Shane blinked. "Okay... thanks." </p><p>He took the bag. </p><p>"No problem. Have a good day." </p><p>"Wait, I have to tip you!" </p><p>The kid stopped. "I mean, I won't say no, but the person who ordered them tipped a ton." </p><p>Shane rolled his eyes and grabbed the kid a fiver and closed the door. He looked in the bag and inspected the contents: </p><p>What looked to be a soda that was made especially for him because the name was written in Ryan's handwriting, his favorite pie, a bag of gourmet coffee beans, a keychain of the Annabelle doll, <em>A Guide To Veganism, </em>which was an inside joke between them, and a handmade origami rose.  </p><p>He inspected the rose and held it in his palm, smiling at it. He set it on his counter and smelled the coffee beans. Oh, yeah. Those were going to be good. He flipped through the book and found different underlined spots and little notes that Ryan had left him. He attached the keychain to his key ring as he tried the soda. It was amazing. </p><p>He cut himself a slice of pie and sat back down at his desk. Ryan was still typing. Shane scrolled down to the bottom of the Doc and wrote, </p><p>Thanks for the pie</p><p>Ryan responded, </p><p>No problem big guy</p><p>---</p><p>Ryan's notes in the book were fucking hilarious. Of course they were. Ryan was hilarious. </p><p>---</p><p>On Monday, Shane went back to work. Ryan stood up abruptly from his desk and suddenly Shane didn't think that this was such a good idea. </p><p>Ryan's eyes were wide and desperate and his shirt was wrinkled. He looked like he hadn't slept in days. He tried for a smile but it looked like he was about to start crying. </p><p>Shane felt that. </p><p>He sat down at his desk without a word to the love of his life and the tension between them was so thick that you could've gone swimming in it. The entire day, Shane was pretty sure that neither of them got any work done. When 5:00 hit, he stood up and made Ryan jump. He sighed. </p><p>"Look, Ryan, we need to talk," he said. He didn't want to. Ryan looked up at him with wide, hopeful eyes. He felt like his body was trying to force itself to go and jump off a cliff.</p><p>"Yeah?" </p><p>"Yeah. We need to actually get work done, so we need to clear the air." </p><p>"...Okay?" </p><p>"Meet me at Beanies. We'll talk there." </p><p>With that, he turned on his heel and got out of the building as quickly as he could without looking like an idiot. He got into Laura's car and groaned into his hands. His life was a fucking mess and it was all his fault. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i am not doing a very good job with any of this chapter jfc i hate it</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. He's Not Fine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>They talk. They agree. </p><p>But Shane sees something he never thought he'd see and never, ever, in a million years wanted to see.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I just finished my first full fic :( I'm gonna miss that story. It's a good one.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong>Lil Guy: </strong>You never said when. </p><p>What? Shane looked at the text that just came through. He was still in the parking lot. Oh, shit. Ryan meant when they should meet at Beanies. Shane texted him that they should meet at 5:30, which was 23 minutes away. He went home, fed Obi, and went to Beanies. </p><p>Ryan was sitting by the window with an untouched cup of lukewarm coffee in front of him. He jumped up when he saw Shane. </p><p>"Shane!" </p><p>Shane nodded at him and sat down, regretting every decision that had lead him to this moment in his life. "Hey, Ryan." </p><p>Ryan sat down and opened his mouth. Shane couldn't take it. He needed to get everything out on the table. </p><p>"Yeah, I'm in love with you. But it's fine that you don't feel the same way. If we could just keep going like nothing is wrong, that'd be great. I'm fine. I've been dealing with this for years and I can keep going. This doesn't have to change anything. And if you want to fire me, that's fine. Just- I won't make a big deal out of it. I promise. I can keep this down low and-" </p><p>"Shane, man, I'm not going to kick you off Unsolved!" Ryan almost shouted. "I would never do that! And... it's fine. It's okay that you're, like, yeah. I'm irresistible."</p><p>It was a bad joke, but at least he was trying. Shane smiled at his hands. "Okay." </p><p>"And I'm sorry that I don't-" </p><p>Shane was going to stop him right there. "It's fine." </p><p>"No, it's not-" </p><p>
  <em>"But it is." </em>
</p><p>"Shane..." </p><p>"Look, we can just forget about it, okay?" </p><p>They stared at each other. Shane didn't want to look as pleading as he did, but apparently it worked because Ryan gave in. </p><p>"Fine," he sighed. "If that's what would make you comfortable." </p><p>Shane sighed in relief. "Yeah. Thanks." </p><p>"Is there anything I can do?" </p><p>"You can ignore it," he said firmly. Ryan looked down sadly. </p><p>"Okay."  </p><p>"I'll see you at work, okay?" </p><p>Shane didn't wait for a response as he got up. Ryan called after him and he turned around, right in front of the door. </p><p>"You're still my best friend," Ryan promised. Shane smiled tightly and nodded. </p><p>"You too." </p><p>--- </p><p>"You and Jaz are getting a cat?" </p><p>"Yep! We're naming her Ippy." </p><p>"Why?" </p><p>"Because... fuck, this is embarrassing," Laura laughed. </p><p>"Oh, tell me," Shane grinned. </p><p>Laura sighed. "I was watching a heist with Markiplier-" </p><p>"You're one of those people?!" </p><p>"Leave me alone, asshole!" She hit his arm. "So I decided that he'd go to prison. The guard who was going through his stuff said, 'Mr. Iplier' and he said, 'Actually it's Iplier (ip-lee-air),' which sounds really French. It made me laugh stupidly hard and now we're getting a cat that's going to be named that. Hey, isn't that Ryan?" </p><p>Shane looked up. It had been a couple of weeks since their talk and things were going smoothly. Ryan didn't bring it up and Shane didn't, either. There was a little bit of tension but it didn't affect them and their dynamic that much. </p><p>Sure enough, there was Ryan on a basketball court playing with Steven Lim. Shane was about to yell hi when something horrible happened. </p><p>Ryan made a basket and threw his hands up in celebration, which was fine, impressive, actually, but what it was what happened after that made Shane feel like he was going to throw up: </p><p>Steven celebrated with him, walked up, and kissed him. </p><p>
  <em>And Ryan kissed back. </em>
</p><p>It wasn't even a peck, either. They were making out on a basketball court on a sunny day in L.A. Ryan Bergara was making out with Steven Lim, a <em>guy, </em>in public. They pulled away and smiled at each other. Ryan said something and Steven backed off and threw him the ball. They continued playing one-on-one. </p><p>"Shane..." </p><p>"What the fuck." </p><p>"Shane-" </p><p>"What the fuck! Are you kidding me?" His voice cracked and he had to cover his mouth with his hand. Laura's hand went to his arm. </p><p>"Come on," she said protectively. "Let's go." </p><p>"What was that?" he whispered. His voice was hoarse. </p><p>"I don't know," Laura said coldly. "I don't know." She was quiet for a second. "There's- there's gotta be a good- no. What the fuck?" </p><p>"He's bi," Shane whispered. "But he doesn't love me." </p><p>"Shane, take a breath-" </p><p>"He could've <em>told </em>me!" </p><p>"Are you sure you would've wanted to know, though?" Laura asked quickly, clearly trying to anchor him to reality. "Maybe he's just-" </p><p>"He's doing it in public! He could be papped, he knows that! I don't understand!" </p><p>"I don't, either! Do you want to talk to him?" </p><p>Shaner stopped dead in his tracks. "You know what? Yeah. Come on." </p><p>"SHANE MADEJ!" Laura yelled. Shane looked at her. He was kind of scared. She pointed at him firmly. "You're not going to do anything about Ryan right now. You're going to come with me back to your apartment and then we can yell about it. You're going to say all your cruel shit there and I will too, but you're not going to say anything to him now." </p><p>"Why?" </p><p>But he was already coming back to her. </p><p>"Because you'll regret it, trust me. Come on." </p><p>They yelled. They yelled and Shane cried and then they yelled some more, screamed obscenities, and eventually his neighbors called the landlord on him. He and Laura ordered Thai and they watched the Fault In Our Stars, cried together, and then Laura went home and Shane fell asleep.    </p><p>He went to work the next day and Ryan smiled up at him. </p><p>"Hey, big guy." </p><p>He needed to respond. "Hey." </p><p>He sat down and took a breath. </p><p>"Hey, how's Steven doing? I haven't talked to him lately." </p><p>Ryan gave him the side-eye. Shane was a good actor. He played it off like he was just asking for no reason because he wanted to see how his friend was doing. </p><p>"Steven's good," he finally said. "We played basketball yesterday, actually." </p><p>"Oh. Fun." </p><p>"Hey, are you okay?" </p><p>They looked at each other and Shane was so fucking close to going off. Instead, he forced a smile. </p><p>"I'm fantastic."  </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Yeah yeah, I just wanted it to be someone they knew for dramatic purposes. This says nothing about Steven and I really like him. This is just for the story.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. The Jury's In</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>pee sauna pee sauna peE SAUNA PEE SAUNA</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I have no explanation for what this is.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Shane lasted all of two days before he snapped. </p><p>He set his mug of coffee on his desk loudly. It made Ryan jump and he looked up to see a troubled Shane staring down at him. He grinned awkwardly. </p><p>"Hey. What's up?" </p><p>"You're dating Steven." </p><p>Ryan paled. "How-?" </p><p>"I saw you," Shane spat. "I saw you two days ago when you were on a <em>date </em>playing basketball. You could've told me, Ryan. You should've <em>told </em>me." </p><p>Ryan opened and closed his mouth, at a loss for words. "Shane, I-" </p><p>"You <em>nothing. </em>You- you- I trusted you. I told you everything." </p><p>"We're not dating!" </p><p>Shane barked out a laugh. Ryan stood up and grabbed his arm. Shane pulled away. </p><p>"Come on," Ryan begged. "Let's talk somewhere else." </p><p>Shane scoffed. "Fine. Fucking fine." </p><p>He followed Ryan into the recording booth. Ryan turned at looked at him desperately. "Shane, Steven agreed to help me figure out my sexuality. No strings attached. We haven't had sex or anything-" </p><p>"You were in public," Shane sobbed. "You were probably photographed." </p><p>Ryan sighed. "You're right. It wasn't my best decision. I'm sorry. And I should've told you." </p><p>"Yeah," he laughed bitterly. "You should've." </p><p>"Steven and I aren't dating. We never will." </p><p>Shane nodded. "Sure," he said sarcastically. "And what's the decision on the sexuality? Or is the jury still out?" </p><p>Ryan shook his head softly. "You're... yeah. I'm bi." </p><p>"Cool." </p><p>He tried to walk out of the booth but Ryan grabbed his arm. "I'm sorry, Shane. I'll stop seeing Steven." </p><p>"No. No, no, no..." </p><p>"I promise." </p><p>"No." Shane held his hand up. "If Steven is who you want to be with, that's fine. I just want you to be happy." </p><p>
  <em>I just wish you could be happy with me. </em>
</p><p>"You deserve to be happy too, Shane." </p><p>He sounded and looked like he meant it. Shane laughed to himself. </p><p>"What?" Ryan asked. </p><p>"Nothing," Shane chortled. "I'm just- wow. I want to get over you, Ryan. You're just making this so fucking hard. You're bi, and that's great, but it's so hard." </p><p>"I-"</p><p>"You don't have to say anything," he promised. </p><p>"I want to spend the night at the Sallie house," he blurted out. Shane stared at him. Okay, this was a segway into a <em>very </em>different topic. </p><p>"Uh. Why?" </p><p>"Because I want to say that I did. I want to... I dunno, my regain my dignity," he chuckled. </p><p>"Good for you, Ryan. Can I leave now?" </p><p>"Shane," said Ryan desperately, "I want you to come with me." </p><p>"Uh..." </p><p>"Please, I don't want- I want you to be my friend." </p><p>Shane let out a short burst of laughter. "And I want you to be my boyfriend, but here we are." </p><p>Ryan stared at him. He should not have said that. He should <em>not </em>have said that. He fumbled to try and make it better.  </p><p>"I want you to be happy, Ryan," he continued. "But I wish you could be happy with me. And seeing you with someone else- it fucking hurts, Ry-" </p><p>"You do make me happy!" he protested. </p><p>"Not- not in the way I want to make you happy!" Shane was close to pulling his own hair out, so he put his hands down by his sides and clenched his fists so hard that his blunt nails cut into his palm.</p><p>"I'm sorry," Ryan whispered. "I'm sorry, Shane." </p><p>Shane put his hand on the handle of the door. "Do you feel anything for me?" he hissed. "Anything different than you feel about, I dunno, TJ?" </p><p>Ryan had tears in his eyes. "Of course I do," he sobbed. "You're my best friend." </p><p>"Is that all?" he laughed. </p><p>"I don't know," Ryan cried. "You're- you're- you make me happy."</p><p>He took his hand off the handle suddenly and Ryan flinched. He scoffed. He didn't know that it was possible to feel this much pain. </p><p>"I can't believe this. Are you scared of me?" </p><p>"What? Shane, no-" </p><p>"I'm not going to molest you or anything." </p><p>"Shane..." </p><p>"And I'm just the worst, you know-" </p><p>Ryan hugged him. It knocked the wind out of him. He broke down as soon as his body was against Ryan's. </p><p>"Don't say that," Ryan sobbed. "Please, Shane, don't say that. I need you. I don't know what I'd do without you." </p><p>His arms went around the smaller man without his consent. He could feel each of Ryan's shaking breaths and his racing heart. Ryan's tears were making his shirt wet and he was sure that he was crying, too. </p><p>"You're the best," Ryan gasped. "Hiring you was the best decision of my life. I get happy every time I see you. I look forward to coming into work because I know that I get to see you. I don't think I feel the same way-" </p><p>"Wait." Shane pulled away. "You <em>think?" </em></p><p>Ryan closed his eyes like he was regretting his words. Of course he was. </p><p>"You..." Shane's voice was high and hopeful. "What are you saying?" </p><p>Ryan stepped back and cleared his throat awkwardly. He scratched his neck and Shane let out a breath and nodded. He opened the door and walked out. He sat down at his desk and put on his headphones and started blaring music. </p><p>Tears were falling down silently down his face. He knew Ryan sat down next to him and he turned away so he wouldn't see him out of the corner of his eye. </p><p>Why couldn't he be happy? Didn't he deserve to be happy? </p><p>Ryan tapped on his shoulder and he shrugged it off. It happened again. He turned around and looked Ryan straight in the eye. Ryan's lower lip was trembling. He took off his headphones. </p><p><em>"What?" </em>he said viciously. </p><p>"Will you please come with me to Sallie?" </p><p>His hands were shaking. Scratch that, he was just shaking. Full body shaking. He looked down.</p><p>"Why, aren't you scared-" </p><p>"I'm not scared!" Ryan yelled. The entire office stopped for a second before continuing up again. "I'm not scared-" he hissed, "I'm not scared when you're with me." </p><p>
  <em>I want to kiss you. I feel like I'm going to lose my mind if I don't kiss you. </em>
</p><p>"Wow, that's corny." </p><p>Ryan laughed. "Shut up, Shane," he giggled. </p><p>It wasn't even funny. </p><p>Ryan cleared his throat and suddenly things were serious again. "Will you come with me? Please, big guy?" </p><p>The only thing capping his impulse to say <em>That's not the only thing that's big </em>was the fact that he was in the middle of a full mental breakdown and the man he was in love with was staring at him with his big doe eyes and Shane was about to kiss him. Or pin him against a wall and- </p><p>Yeah, Shane was in a bad place if he was thinking about that <em>at work. </em>He sighed and rubbed his neck.</p><p>"Fine." </p><p>Ryan's smile was blinding. "Ooooooooooooh shit, the Ghoul Boys are back, baby!" He held up his hand for a high five. </p><p>He sighed, smiled, and high fived Ryan. Their hands collided with a loud <em>thwack </em>and Shane felt a little better. Not by much, but a little bit.</p><p>"Hey boys," Devon said. "True Crime will be up in half an hour." </p><p>"Thanks," Shane sighed. </p><p>"Awesome," Ryan responded. </p><p>They both knew it wasn't their best video.  </p><p>"So..." </p><p>"So I'll figure out a time when we can go back," Ryan smiled. </p><p>Shane nodded. "Okay." </p><p>"This'll be fun." </p><p>Shane grinned. "It'll be fun for me, not for you." </p><p>Ryan nodded thoughtfully. "Yeah, I'll probably poop my pants." </p><p>Shane opened his mouth, closed it, and opened it again. "Fingers crossed." </p><p>"And no cameras this time," Ryan said, having already made up his mind. </p><p>Shane frowned. "Why?" </p><p>"Because," he mused, "it'll act up without the cameras and then you'll have to admit that ghosts and demons are real." </p><p>He sucked his teeth. "Uh, yeah, but they aren't." </p><p>"Uh, yeah, but they are," Ryan mocked in a shitty version of Shane's voice. </p><p>"They're not," he said in a singsong voice. </p><p>"They are," Ryan teased. </p><p>"You're just insane," Shane laughed. </p><p>"And proud of it!" </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I want a suitcase full of money, please and thank you.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Sallie's House Party</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Things happen. You're all fucking welcome.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Unpopular opinion: I reeeeeally like Karen Filippelli. She's a great character.</p><p>guys it's raining outside</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"The Sallie House," Ryan announced dramatically. Shane stuck his hands in his pockets and rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet on the lawn. </p><p>"Yep. The Sallie House." Shane shot Ryan a sidelong glance. "You okay?" </p><p>Ryan was pale as he said, "Nope! Let's go!" </p><p>He didn't move and Shane smiled to himself. He put his hand between Ryan's shoulder blades and pushed him forward. Ryan stumbled out of his way. Shane looked at him, amused. </p><p>"Okay, okay, okay," Ryan almost yelled. "Just gimme a second." </p><p>"Sure," he laughed. </p><p>Ryan leaned down and put his hands on his knees, breathing hard. Shane looked down at him, still amused. Ryan was so cute. </p><p>"Okay," he said eventually, straightening up, "can... can we order pizza?" </p><p>Shane looked up at the sky and had to take a second. What the fuck? Why was Ryan so attractive? </p><p>"Yeah, sure." </p><p>He pulled out his phone and shoved Ryan forward so he stumbled into the wall of the house. He jumped back and yelped like he'd been shocked. </p><p>"SHIT!" </p><p>"The wall can't hurt you, Ryan," he sighed as he unlocked the door. "Hi, could we please have a large pepperoni? Yeah, I actually don't know the address. Do you know where the Sallie house is? Okay, cool. We're spending the night here. Okay, sounds good. Thanks." He hung up and turned to Ryan, who was looking just about ready to throw up. </p><p>"Shane..." </p><p>"Ryan, I will not hesitate to pick you up and drag you in." </p><p>"That's cruel." </p><p>"Just come on, man." </p><p>Shane held open the door to one of Ryan's worst fear. Ryan visibly swallowed and took a step forward before stepping back three times. </p><p>"Shane, I don't know if I can-" </p><p>"What, you wanna hold my hand?" Shane laughed, really really hoping that the answer was yes. Ryan was close to hyperventilating. He was about to say that they didn't have to do this, but Ryan walked over and took Shane's hand. </p><p>Fucking <em>oh. </em></p><p>His hands were small and sweaty, like before. But he was holding onto Shane so firmly and was pressing himself so close to Shane's body and he was having a hard time breathing. </p><p>"Okay," he choked out. "Let's go." </p><p>They stepped in and the door shut behind them. </p><p>"I don't like this," Ryan announced right away. "Do you feel that energy? That's not-" </p><p>"That's just your mind freaking out," Shane sighed. </p><p>"No, no," Ryan said loudly, "you're just being a dick."</p><p>Shane rolled his eyes. "Do you want to do the flashlight test?" </p><p>Ryan still hadn't let go of his hand. Slowly, Ryan nodded. </p><p>"Yeah." </p><p>He set down his bag and started rummaging through it. Shane's throat was dry as he said, </p><p>"Uh, you can let go of my hand for this part." </p><p>Ryan shook his head firmly. "Nope." </p><p>He swallowed. "Okay." </p><p>The flashlight was pulled out of the bag and set on the table. Ryan pressed his body flush with Shane's. Shane's voice was a little higher as he said, "Hey, demon! Turn on the flashlight if you remember us!" </p><p>Ryan was holding his breath, like Shane, but for different reasons. They waited for several seconds. </p><p>"Okay," Shane said, "you-" </p><p>The flashlight turned on and Ryan <em>screamed. </em></p><p>"Holy shit," Shane cackled. "Ryan, calm down!" </p><p>"No, we're gonna die!" </p><p>"We're not gonna die." </p><p>"You don't know that!" </p><p>"Neither do you." </p><p>
  <em>"Shane!" </em>
</p><p>"Ryan!"</p><p>Ryan turned to the flashlight. "Turn off if you want to kill us." </p><p>"Ooh," Shane laughed. Ryan was getting a little cocky even if the grip on his hand was slowly cutting off his circulation. But Ryan was holding his hand and that was all the mattered to him. </p><p>The flashlight turned off. Ryan hit Shane's arm with his free hand. </p><p>"Shane." </p><p>"What." </p><p>"Shane. Shane. <em>Shane!" </em></p><p>"Ryan, I'll protect you," he said sarcastically, fully meaning it. Ryan let out a shaky breath and nodded.</p><p>"Okay." </p><p>Ryan let go of his hand and Shane was sad for a second, but Ryan intertwined their fingers instead. </p><p>"What are you doing?" he asked, strangled. </p><p>"It's more comfortable," Ryan hissed. </p><p>He pulled his hand out of Ryan's. Ryan looked at him. </p><p>"Look, you know how I feel," he sighed. "I don't-" </p><p>"Oh. Yeah, sorry." </p><p>Ryan took a step away from him and he felt cold. He almost asked Ryan to come back but decided that it would be too obvious and desperate. But he already was both of those things, so he held out his hand, shrugging and feeling incredibly stupid. He wanted to run away. </p><p>"If- if it makes you feel better-" </p><p>"No, Shane, I'm sorry- if- if it makes you uncomfortable-" </p><p>"No, I'm fine with it-" </p><p>"But-" </p><p>"Just take my hand, Ryan." </p><p>Shane's hand was shaking and Ryan was staring at him doubtfully. </p><p>"Are... are you sure?" </p><p>"Ryan," Shane sighed, "just take my hand."  </p><p>And that was all it took for Ryan to come stepping back to him, intertwining their fingers and putting himself as close to Shane as he could. </p><p>They walked around the house, holding hands, Ryan shaking and swearing and freaking out, Shane laughing and soaking in as much of this time as he could without not being in the moment. </p><p>The knock on the door from the pizza man made Ryan jump and threw himself in front of Shane, protecting him from the 'demon.' And that was very sweet. </p><p>Shane paid for the pizza and it didn't seem that Ryan wanted to let go of him or to not be touching him in any way. It was hurting Shane's heart a little. They sat down on the couch, their legs touching, and ate the pizza, making jokes and laughing. </p><p>He was having a good, torturous time. </p><p>It was eleven at night when he said that they should go to bed. He was hoping that Ryan would want to cuddle up to him because he seemed to refuse to not be touching Shane. Even when Shane went to the bathroom, Ryan was uncomfortable. </p><p>They set up their sleeping bags next to each other and Shane was laying on his back. Less than three minutes in, Ryan asked, </p><p>"Can- can you-" </p><p>"I can do a lot of things," Shane deadpanned. "Depends on what you want me to do." </p><p>Ryan sighed forcefully and was clearly embarrassed. "Can you- would you-" </p><p>"Spit it out, Ry." </p><p>
  <em>Is he going to ask me to spoon him? Holy shit. </em>
</p><p>"Just-" </p><p>"What?" Shane decided to make it sound like a joke. "You want me to spoon you?" </p><p>Ryan was quiet. </p><p>"Oh," Shane squeaked.</p><p>"If you don't want to-" </p><p>He reached out and gently put his hand on Ryan's hip. Ryan shuffled closer to Shane. He couldn't bring himself to breathe or blink, much less move. Ryan grabbed Shane's hand and pulled it snug around him. Ryan snuggled against Shane and he choked on air that he didn't even have in his body. </p><p>"Is this okay?" Ryan whispered. </p><p>"Yeah," Shane inhaled. </p><p>Ryan exhaled. "Okay." </p><p>He turned over and looked Shane right in the eye. Shane was shaking and he wanted nothing more than to move away but he couldn't bring himself to stop looking at Ryan's face. He was close. Just a couple inches away. So close...</p><p>"Hey," Ryan breathed. </p><p>Shane's mouth was open. This entire experience was surreal and he was sure it was a dream. He was even more sure of that when Ryan's lips were pressed against his own. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>You're welcome.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Sallie, Leave Them The Fuck Alone</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>whomp whomp</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>lemme see if I can figure out what I want to do with this fic by the end of writing this chapter</p><p> </p><p>this is the longest fic I’ve ever done chapter-wise but is hardly anywhere in length (that’s what she said)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ryan pulled away after a couple of seconds. Shane's mind was blank. </p><p>"What-" </p><p>Ryan's hand went to Shane's neck and pulled him in again. He knew he was kissing back as his eyes slid shut and his chest tightened. </p><p>He was being kissed by Ryan Bergara. </p><p>Ryan pushed himself up so he was holding himself over Shane, trapping him in place. Not that Shane was complaining. He shimmied out of his sleeping bag and straddled Shane's thighs, licking into his mouth. Shane moaned softly as he sat up and wrapped his arms around Ryan's skinny waist. </p><p>Ryan's hands were on his cheeks, holding him and controlling the pace. </p><p>There was something Shane had always wanted to do: he ran his palm up Ryan's torso and brushed his thumb over his nipple. </p><p>And that was fucking worth it. </p><p>Ryan jumped and made a choked noise. Shane was about to smile but Ryan pulled him flush to his body and kissed him filthily, wiping all the thoughts from Shane's mind other than <em>Ryan. </em>His hair was being pulled and he let his head be pulled back so that his neck and jaw were exposed. </p><p>Their mouths disconnected with a <em>click </em>and Ryan was kissing and mouthing at his jaw. He was breathless. </p><p><em>"Ryan... </em>fuck..." </p><p>Every place that Ryan touched him turned white-hot. He couldn't hear anything other than Ryan's hot breath in his ear. But something fell behind them and Ryan flailed off him. </p><p>"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!" </p><p>Shane, still out of it and riding the high that was Ryan's kiss, looked around in confusion. "What?" </p><p>"Shane-" Ryan was pointing over Shane's shoulder. He looked quickly and there was nothing there. He looked back and saw Ryan's white, scared face. </p><p>He frowned. </p><p>"F-full body apparition!" </p><p>He turned around again. Still, there was nothing. "Ryan-" </p><p>
  <em>"SHANE!" </em>
</p><p>Ryan tackled him to the ground. </p><p>"What the fuck?" Shane had never been more genuinely confused in his life. One minute ago they were making out and now Ryan was screaming about ghosts and on top of him for some reason? </p><p>Ryan got up and grabbed Shane's hand and started yanking him toward the exit. He tripped against the chair, making him fall and Shane's head hit the ground. </p><p>"Ow..." </p><p>"Come on! Come on, Shane! Please, come on!" </p><p>"Ryan, what-" </p><p>"It's right behind you! <em>COME ON!" </em></p><p>Ryan's pure fear and- let's be honest: <em>shrieking- </em>inspired Shane because he was so damn confused to get up even though his head felt like shit and run out with Ryan dragging him by his hand.  </p><p>Shane tripped on a clump of grass and fell down, bringing Ryan with him. Ryan recovered faster than he did and Shane found himself being dragged into Ryan's arms and being pressed against his chest. Ryan's breathing was spastic. </p><p>"Uh, Ryan..." </p><p>"It- was right there!" </p><p>Shane pulled himself away from Ryan but Ryan refused to let go of him but settled for holding Shane's arm. </p><p>"Ry," said Shane soothingly, "everything's okay." </p><p>"No," Ryan sobbed. "You- it was right behind you and then it was right over you- I thought-" </p><p>"And you jumped on me anyway?" laughed Shane breathlessly. Ryan thought he saw something that scared him to death and jumped on top of Shane to protect him. </p><p>Ryan stared at him. "YES!" he yelled after a second. "I CARE ABOUT YOU, DIPSHIT! I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU BE MURDERED BY A <em>FUCKING DEMON!"</em> </p><p>"Shhh, shhh," Shane giggled, pulling Ryan in for a hug. "Thanks for 'saving my life,' I guess?" </p><p>The Anxiety Man pulled away and looked him in the eye for a second. And then another kiss was being firmly pressed to his lips. It was over so quickly that Shane barely had time to kiss back. </p><p>"Of course I'm going to save you," he hissed. "Shane, I-" he swallowed. "I'm always going to save you." </p><p>Shane's heart melted and he knew he was smiling dopily. "There's nothing to save me from. But thank you." He looked back at the house. "So... do you want to go back in, or...?" </p><p>Ryan's wide eyes and open mouth was comical. Shane laughed into his hand. </p><p>"What about your dignity, Ry?" he teased. He really wanted for Ryan to say yes and then he'd be able to cuddle him. Ryan looked at him and then the house. And then he nodded. </p><p>"Yeah," he gasped shakily. "Yeah. Let's go." </p><p>He stood up and Shane followed. "Do you want to do a salt circle?" </p><p>Ryan turned and looked at him. "What?" </p><p>Shane shrugged. "It's on Supernatural. Could work." </p><p>Ryan shook his head at the ground. "Sure. Why not. But we don’t have salt.”</p><p>Shane grinned. “Speak for yourself.” </p><p>“Wait.” Ryan grabbed his hand. “You brought salt?” </p><p>“Yeah,” Shane shrugged. “I thought it might make you feel better.” </p><p>Ryan smiled at him before he realized that Shane was walking headfirst into the Sallie House. He turned back. </p><p>“Are you sure?” </p><p>Ryan stepped over the threshold with a look of determination. “Yes.” </p><p>And then, thirty seconds later, as Shane was pouring the salt around them, Ryan cracked again. </p><p>"SEE THIS, DEMON! YOU CAN'T GET PAST THIS!" </p><p>Shane burst out laughing and messed up the circle a little bit but completed it and stepped inside. </p><p>"TRY! I FUCKING <em>DARE </em>YOU!" </p><p>"Ryan," he cackled. "Calm down!" </p><p>Ryan looked at him with that same look on his face after the jail and Shane remembered how much he wanted to kiss him in that moment. But he couldn't then. He wasn't sure that he could now, but he did it anyway. </p><p>His kiss was different from Ryan's. </p><p>Ryan kissed him like he was trying to prove a point that illuded Shane's understanding. But Shane just wanted to- he didn't know. He wanted just the simplest things with Ryan. Yeah, the making out and the about-to-probably-fuck-or-something-along-those-lines-kisses were awesome, but what Shane craved most was just to hold his hand, to play with his fingers, to kiss his cheek and cuddle. </p><p>So this kiss was gentle. </p><p>It was unrushed and simple. </p><p>It made Shane's heart ache. </p><p>A cup fell off the edge of the counter, that was Shane's fault, but Ryan jumped three feet in the air and screamed. </p><p>"WHAT WAS THAT?!" </p><p>"Ryan," Shane laughed, "that was my cup. I set it there on purpose in case it fell and made you freak out." </p><p>Ryan glared at him accusingly. "Asshole." </p><p>"What?" he shrugged. "It's fun seeing you squirm." </p><p>Quite frankly, Shane was fucking surprised that he was even saying coherent sentences. He had just kissed Ryan Bergara and Ryan Bergara had kissed him back. </p><p>
  <em>I'm in love with you. </em>
</p><p>Ryan was looking at him and he was afraid that he'd said that out loud, but Ryan was looking just over his shoulder. </p><p>"It's fucking with us," he hissed. "It knows that you don't believe so it's only showing itself to me." </p><p>Shane patted Ryan's shoulder. "Sure, buddy." </p><p>"I'm not joking." </p><p>"I believe you." </p><p>Ryan perked up. "You do?" </p><p>"Yeah, I believe that you're not joking about seeing things. You've got problems, Ryan." </p><p>"You're so fucking annoying, man," Ryan hissed, grabbing Shane's arm and turning him around so he was facing the front door with Ryan. "Now it's probably behind us."  </p><p>Shane sighed. "Sure. Now," he gestured to their sleeping bags, "are we going to sleep or not?"</p><p>"You mean are you going to sleep and I'm gonna be us all night because you're fucking ignorant." </p><p>He nodded. "That is exactly what I mean." </p><p>"Shane," Ryan whined, "I can't sleep here." </p><p>"I'll cuddle you," Shane prodded. Wow, Ryan gave him an inch and he was really trying for a mile. </p><p>Ryan exhaled shakily. "Okay," he swallowed. "Okay." </p><p>"Awesome." </p><p>He laid down in his sleeping bag and looked up at Ryan expectantly. Ryan looked around, shuddered, and nodded. He slowly got into his sleeping bag and turned toward Shane. He pressed his face into Shane's chest with no warning. </p><p>He froze for a second as Ryan breathed against his chest, scared and rapid. </p><p>"Come on," he hissed. Shane's throat was dry. </p><p>He put his arm under his own head and the other around Ryan. </p><p>"I'm fucking terrified," Ryan whispered. Shane nodded dumbly. </p><p>"Yep." </p><p>"This house is so haunted." </p><p>"Okay." </p><p>"You're not even listening to me." </p><p>He was trying to, he really was, but Ryan was in such close proximity to him that his brain was short-circuiting. </p><p>"You're already asleep, aren't you?" he huffed. "Asshole." </p><p>Shane couldn't talk. Ryan snuggled closer and let out a short breath that released some of his tension. For once, Ryan fell asleep before him. <em>In his arms. </em>Now it was Shane who was awake all night, freaking out.  </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>yep i have no idea what i'm gonna do next so i might not have daily updates. but i might. i'll come to me at 3 in the morning, bet you any money</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Spoiler: I Kill Off Ryan And Shane Is Devastated</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>They go home and something terrible happens.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>last chapter! you're gonna hate me at the end of this but that's okay. and I updated the ending to make it more painful because I'm an asshole.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ryan woke up around six-thirty in the morning. Shane hadn't slept at all. Ryan rolled away from him, yawning into his hand. </p><p>"Hey," he greeted, glancing at Shane. </p><p>"Morning, scary cat," Shane croaked. "You ready to get out of here?" </p><p>Ryan was up very quickly. <em>"Yes. </em>Come on."  </p><p>Shane sat up and rubbed his eyes. He had terrible morning breath and got up, went to the bathroom, and brushed his teeth. When he came back out, Ryan had packed all their things in record timing and was strictly inside the circle. </p><p>"Okay," he laughed. "Do you want me to make a trail of salt from there to the door or can you okay to walk all the way over there like a big boy?" </p><p>Ryan flipped him off and somehow picked up his stuff and Shane's in his arms and ran as fast as he could out of the house. Shane watched, giggling, as Ryan stumbled over the threshold and drop half the things he was carrying. Instead of putting down the things he was holding and coming back to the fallen soldiers like a normal person, Ryan decided to kick them along with him. </p><p>Shane followed with his hands in his pockets. He closed the door and locked it behind them. When he turned around, Ryan was shoving things into the back of their rental car. </p><p>"Come on," he announced. "We're getting food and then we're fucking leaving, I hate this place." </p><p>"Yeah," said Shane breezily, dying inside, "I can tell." </p><p>Was Ryan just going to ignore everything that happened between them? Ignore the fact that he fell asleep in Shane's arms? That they kissed? Shane's chest was cold. He was terrified. </p><p>He got in the passenger seat and sat stiffly as Ryan hightailed it out of the driveway and away from the Sallie House. His alarm went off and made both of them jump. Ryan turned it off for him. </p><p>"Our flight is in three hours," he announced. "Food and then the airport." </p><p>"Okay," Shane responded numbly. </p><p>"What's open this early?" </p><p>"McDonald's," he mumbled. Ryan was quiet for a second. </p><p>"Okay," he finally said. </p><p>The car ride was silent as they searched for a McDonald's, found one, ordered, and got their food. They sitting inside, eating their food when Shane finally asked. </p><p>"Do... do you regret what you did?" </p><p>He couldn't breathe as Ryan's thoughtful eyes landed on him, scanning and analyzing. "No," Ryan said simply. And that was all. </p><p>So Shane took a big bite into his hashbrown and looked everywhere but Ryan. What did that mean? That he didn't regret it but didn't want to do it again? That he wanted to be together? Boyfriends? Maybe not that far, but hooking up? What did it <em>mean? </em></p><p>"You look constipated," Ryan deadpanned. Shane laughed feebly. </p><p>"You're one to talk," he shot back lamely before taking a huge drink of water. Ryan shrugged in what looked like agreement. </p><p><em>Hi, </em>Shane thought to himself, wanting to say it aloud, <em>sorry, but what the fuck is going on? </em></p><p>Ryan finished the last bite of his egg and cheese biscuit and balled up the wrapper noisily. Shane popped the last bit of his hashbrown into his mouth and did the same. </p><p>They drove to the airport. They dropped off the rental car. They went through airport security. They located and walked to their terminal. They sat down in their seats and Ryan got on his phone. Shane did the same. </p><p><strong>Shane: </strong>Laura. Ryan and I kissed last night</p><p><strong>Shane: </strong>More than once. And then he fell asleep in my arms and said that he doesn't regret it</p><p><strong>Shane:</strong> But that's all he said </p><p><strong>Shane: </strong>But what does that mean</p><p><strong>Shane: </strong>Wake up I'm having a crisis</p><p>He didn't blame Laura for not responding. It was a 7:45 on a Sunday morning and she was in California, which meant it was 6:45 for her. She wouldn't be up until at least 10:30. </p><p>He and Ryan sat in silence for an hour and a half or so. Shane was fighting to stay asleep and was about to pop the question when a stewardess announced that it was time for first class to board. They stood up and got in line. </p><p>When they sat down, all of Shane's courage was gone. He couldn't ask. </p><p><strong>Shane: </strong>I know you're not gonna be awake but I'm going to keep freaking out and telling you about it so you feel bad for not being able to help me</p><p>He turned off his phone but it pinged a moment later. </p><p><strong>That One Ginger Bitch: </strong>DOUCHEBAG</p><p><strong>That One Ginger Bitch: </strong>That is very me of you</p><p><strong>That One Ginger Bitch: </strong>I respect that</p><p><strong>That One Ginger Bitch:</strong> But dude that's so awesome I'm so happy for you</p><p><strong>Shane: </strong>Yeah???? But he's not saying anything what do I do</p><p><strong>That One Ginger Bitch: </strong>Talk to him. </p><p><strong>That One Ginger Bitch: </strong>Dumbass </p><p><strong>That One Ginger Bitch: </strong>Babe I love you so much but it's not going to go as bad as you think it will so just do it</p><p><strong>Shane: </strong>Are you sure?</p><p><strong>That One Ginger Bitch: </strong>I'm sure about everything</p><p><strong>That One Ginger Bitch:</strong> Now let me sleep</p><p><strong>Shane: </strong>If this backfires I'm blaming you</p><p><strong>That One Ginger Bitch: </strong>That's not healthy. Night</p><p>He sighed. He knew that that was what Laura was going to say but he was hoping she would offer some magical alternative solution. </p><p><strong>Shane: </strong>Night. </p><p>He put away his phone and snuck a glance at Ryan, who was dozing off against the window. He sighed. </p><p>"Switch seats with me," said Ryan suddenly, making him jump. </p><p>"Why?" </p><p>"Because," a sleepy Ryan whined, "you're more comfortable than this fucking wall." </p><p>Bewildered, Shane stood up and they switched seats with only mildly disrupting all the other people that were trying to get to their seats. As soon as Ryan buckled up, he leaned over and put his head on Shane's shoulder. <em>And then intertwined their fingers. </em></p><p>Shane could not breathe as he looked down at their joined hands. </p><p>"Ryan," he squeaked. </p><p>Ryan blearily opened his eyes. "What?" </p><p>"Are you sure about this?" </p><p>Ryan looked at him and then their hands. And then back to him. And then he nodded. </p><p>"Yeah. I'm really sure." </p><p>He let his head rest against Shane's shoulder again and he felt like he was going to explode. He really wanted to scream and whoop or at least fist pump, but all of those would disturb everyone else. Well, not the fist pump, but he didn't want to make Ryan readjust. So he sat still. </p><p>He sat still through the safety briefing and well into the flight before he got up and went to the bathroom. He came back and Ryan was scrolling through movies, chewing on a piece of the gum Shane brought. He smiled up at him and Shane felt like he was going to melt through the floor of the airplane and then fall to his death.  </p><p>And if that were to happen, it would be worth it. </p><p>He squeezed past Ryan and sat back down in his seat. Ryan took his hand again. Fucking <em>okay. </em></p><p>"They have Venom," Ryan said conversationally. </p><p>"Great movie," said Shane on impulse. </p><p>"Wanna watch it?" </p><p>"Uh." It was a lot to take in. Ryan was holding his hand. In public. And he was sure the two people diagonal from them were fans. "Yeah, sure." </p><p>Ryan started the movie. </p><p>Shane was melting. Holding hands with Ryan was something he had dreamed about for years. Ryan was playing with his fingers and Shane wanted to scream into a pillow. Everything was so great that he honestly didn't know what to do with himself. </p><p>Around the time that Venom inhabited Eddie and they were in that awesome motorcycle chase, Ryan leaned over and kissed Shane on the cheek. Shane looked at him in shock, his mouth open and eyes wide. Ryan laughed and kissed him on the mouth shortly.</p><p>"What the fuck?" he breathed, not able to function like a human being anymore. </p><p>Ryan smiled crookedly. "I was hoping that, uh, you'd be my boyfriend?" </p><p>Shane was honestly lost for words. He was almost sure that he was drooling as he stared at Ryan. Ryan scratched the back of his neck. </p><p>"That's what you want, right?" he asked. "I mean, it's what I want too, so... yeah?" </p><p>Shane could not physically do anything. He was in shock. </p><p>"...Are you okay?" </p><p>It took him a second, but he laughed. </p><p>"Yeah," he said breathlessly. "Yeah!" </p><p>"Okay," Ryan grinned. "Good." </p><p>"Good!" </p><p>They looked at each other. Shane was still having a hard time believing what was happening to him. Ryan kissed Shane's hand and looked back toward the movie. It took Shane a second to stop looking at Ryan and to focus in on what was happening on screen. </p><p>---</p><p>When the plane landed, they went back to Shane's place. </p><p>They ordered Chinese food and made out for a while until it was delivered. While eating, they watched Scary Movie and Scary Movie 2, both absolute masterpieces.  </p><p>And if Ryan gave Shane a handjob and Shane really explored Ryan's nipple kink, making the shorter man writhe underneath him, squirming and breathless, that was for the two of them to know. </p><p>No one else. </p><p>And no one had to know that Ryan stayed the night. </p><p>But Laura knew everything because Shane told her everything, even after she asked him not to. But she listened, laughing. </p><p>At the office, they held hands and got each other coffee. They went to lunch together. </p><p>After a couple of months, they signed a thing for HR saying that they were an official office relationship. </p><p>Ryan made dinner for Shane and they ate a good meal as a celebration for them being 'official' in the eyes of Buzzfeed. They were having a nice conversation until Ryan said,  </p><p>"I love you." </p><p>Shane's head snapped up from the delicious curry. Ryan had never said that before. "What?" he choked out. </p><p>"I love you," he repeated, wringing his hands. Shane was at a loss for words. </p><p>"Really?" </p><p>Ryan dropped his hands and stared at Shane with wide, amused eyes. <em>"Yes, </em>you fucking idiot!" </p><p>"Oh my god," he laughed, covering his mouth with his hand. "Sorry, I really never thought I'd ever hear you say that."  </p><p>"Babe." Ryan reached across the table and took his hand. </p><p>"Have I ever told you how unbelievable this is?" he continued. "You're like- probably the love of my life."</p><p>"Yeah," his boyfriend(!!!!!) said softly. "I think you're mine, too." </p><p>Shane laughed. He couldn't help it. He was so damn happy. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>and that's all they wrote! thank you all so much for your support! i read every comment and they all mean a lot to me. i just don't know how to take compliments. BUT!<br/>this will not be the only Shyan fic i write. keep an eye out. i'll be back, that's a promise.  </p><p>i really hope the chapter name and summary got you worried.</p><p>rereading all of your scared comments the next day has me giggling like an idiot</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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